melancholy me

chapter 121 : a picnic for 2 princesses

2008-08-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

sorry for the blurry picture. this was the girls and my lunch today. it was the perfect picnic for my 2 little princesses. we ate it on our patio on the "little" table. the sharp cheddar was especially delicious as were the strawberries and pepper. the hummus was unfortunately a sad disappointment due to me not realizing that is was bad before trying to put it with our spread.

after another appointment with my beloved new naturopath, Dr. Vivian (who i once accidentally called another doctor's name...that's another story), i'm really feeling the URGENCY for change. of course my "natural woman" is not really up for the challenge, but for the sake of my health, my weight and most importantly for my family to get into better habits for life-long change, i have slowly made some HUGE changes to our diet and my overall life. here's the run-down for the new way to live or attempt anyway :

* remembering that i do so much better on a rigorous schedule : bed by 10:30 (dang Olympics), eating less sugar, drinking more water, working out staying spiritually in tune/trying to stay spiritually in tune, living and love the moment for what it is

* life is choices and each one either leads to a better, more happy life or it doesn't. i can either eat good for the right reasons or enjoy that Oreo blizzard and regret it afterward, etc. i can either spend money on ________ or i can't not seek for riches and material possessions that really don't matter anyway. if a flood came and i saw my big screen bobbing up and down in the water and floating by me, would i be grateful that i spent my money on it or wish that i had put it into food storage instead? everything is choices!

* it feels good to let go, simplify and not hoard things, past experiences (negative) and to just try to live a "cleaner" life.

* stop being so idle! not turning on/relying on the TV during the day. the girls do so much better, listen better and i think they don't break down as much during the day. i'm reconvinced of my feelings from the past...TV really is not a good thing, especially for small children.

* trying to do better at cleaning and keeping up on my house. trying to do more service along the way instead of wasting time.

* remembering : i am truly blessed!

some major food changes we've recently made are :

* ~~beef hamburger~~ : ground turkey...so YUMMY!

* ~~peanut butter~~ : almond butter (mr. clean won't give up the Jiff though)

* ~~vanilla/fruit yogurt~~ : plain yogurt

* ~~cow's milk~~ : oat/soy/rice milk and some cow's milk, don't really want all of those scary rGBH's

* ~~sugar and processed foods~~ : lots of fruits and veggies

* ~~juice~~ : water

* adding in lots of supplements for myself and the girls (mr. clean's not quite convinced of this new regiment yet). for the girls, just cod liver oil/dha's, but for me...fish oil, vitamin d, GAMA, vitamin B complex, thyroid support, L-Tryptophan, fiber, yummy rice protein and energy extract as needed.

* also trying to not eat later at night and wanting to start getting back into dance at least twice a week too. it's really my only way to motivate myself to keep working out.

so for now, all of this is going well and really doesn't feel overwhelmed. i'm sure we will be spending more $ on food as we are eating lots more fresh produce, but i really believe that it will all be worth it as i hope my girls will grow up learning to love healthy food, not craving unhealthy stuff and will avoid a lot of the autoimmune/health issues that run in my family. for them to be well-balanced, happy people in all areas of their life would is one of the greatest things i want for my children. so i'm really hoping this is a great start...

yours truly.

chapter 120 : a sad farewell...

2008-08-04T16:47:00.001-07:00

due to many reasons, but especially mr. clean's allergies, we had to sell Ruby. after my little bug asked, "where's my pup-pup? where's Ruby?" i didn't get emotional and am still holding up fine, but i'm really going to miss her...she was like my 3rd child.

i can't make mr. clean not be able to breathe well in his own home or feel stressed by how much she is costing, so it's worth the sacrifice even though it's really hard.

i'm really learning how i always think i need to fill up my life with stuff to be happy instead of making decisions of minimalism which will help me and i will like most in the long run. it was a very expensive learning experience though as i barely got half of our $ back for her, but i think the girl that bought her will be great to her and give her a good life.

so long my sweet little Ruby. i will miss you...i already do.

yours truly.

chapter 119 : if this is real...

2008-07-24T10:49:00.001-07:00

then it's truly a MIRACLE. i'm still not sure if i believe it, but since i know for sure that Gladys Knight is a member, then i think there's a chance. also, what an AMAZING missionary if so. Just goes to show we should never judge whether we think someone might be interested in the Gospel or not.

go here and tell me what you think...

yours truly.

chapter 118 : grrrrr...i don't even know what to say

2008-07-23T14:28:00.001-07:00

sometimes life sucks. yesterday and today have been exactly that for me : sucky!

i'm tired of there always being a "problem" in my life. i'm tired of never being happy. i'm tired of my life being the way it is. i'm tired of always seeking approval from sources that really don't matter. i'm tired of my mind lying to me. i'm tired of doubting myself and i'm tired of how extreme everything is in my life.

EVERYTHING is ALWAYS a BIG deal and i'm soso, so TIRED of it!

i feel so bad for mr. clean and my girls to have to live with me. i'm so over-the-top...too much...nazi-ish all the time. i'm sick of it.

i sincerely want to change, but i'm at a loss right now. i feel like if i could really SIMPLIFY my life then things would get better, but of course i lack the motivation to start doing that.

hoping things look up later today and the sun comes back too...

yours truly.

chapter 117 : it's double true

2008-07-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

i'm a blogging LOSER! no posting in over a month. lucky you! lots of things have been going on lately and will have to try and catch up sometime. lacking motivation once again, but we'll see what i start doing more of now.

been LOVING the SUNSHINE and i try to leave my house as often as possible. been trying to go to bed at the latest by 10:30. totally not tonight! been doing better at spending less overall. works best if i don't have possession of my little, blue friend, mr. Chase Visa. been feeling socially inept...what's new! been eating too much and working out WAY too little. been loving taking pictures and aching for an 85mm/1.8 lens. been trying to be more grateful, enjoying each moment and trying to YELL less. been LOVING my family and checking one more HUGE one off my list...we "adopted!" and since i am totally the type of friend that everyone has that is always complaining about $, but always spends anyway, i've been totally relishing in this :

without further ado...mr. clean finally agreed/gave into me/felt sorry that cosemtology school didn't work/is more worried about her than i am most of the time/loves me so much...

i present Miss

isn't she so stinking adorable???

cleaning up lots of this (ok, not relishing in this...) :

wasting time on (only some of the culprits) :
* the Bachelorette finale. poor Jason...my home town boy lost!
* playing zone games. got my free online Catan subscription again...oh no!
* finally reading my scriptures again and trying to do those "small" things of "great" importance.

overcoming :
* my almost entrance into cosmetology school. the direct inspiration that i can NEVER deny said, "NO! Now is not time. Maybe it will never be time. You NEED to have more faith."

i was so grateful! in that moment, i was LOVED and i knew it. although i really didn't deserve it, i received it and that was more than i could have asked for.
(Thank YOU for keeping your promises and always giving when i ask!)

more posts to come sometime in the future (distant or far).

peace out.

yours truly.

chapter 116 : oh blessed sunshine. how i adore you...

2008-06-17T00:38:00.000-07:00

honestly, sunday was a hard day for me. father's day! let's just say that i am so grateful for my mr. clean who is such a good Daddy. my girls are so blessed to have him.
i'm still not over some issues in my past and sometimes they haunt me on a daily basis. i'm not sure if i will ever be over them. at this point, i can't imagine releasing that hurt and filling it up with something else. it just doesn't seem fathomable to me at this stage in my life. so like i learned to do so well in the past, i will just keep acting like nothing is going on because the people has to do with, don't care anyway. who i am and what i do doesn't really matter to them and i don't know if i'll ever understand that. to be ok with that makes me feel like i've lost hope or something.
after my last post though, i feel like i MUST head back to a more positive direction. i just want to share how grateful i am to a most kind and loving Heavenly Father who is ALWAYS so mindful of me and my little family. i am so thankful that mr. clean and i have ALWAYS been so BLESSED financially...not that we're wealthy to most around us, but compared to many in the world, i know we are. unfortunately though i know that i take it for granted and so i am so thankful when i see the ways which His hand intercedes and helps guide us so we are taken care of. paying tithing and fast offerings truly protect and bless lives.
i am also so grateful for the health of my family. even though mr. clean has chronic back pain and does more than he should to help me without hardly any complaint, we have been so blessed. both of our girls have had basically no major sicknesses or problems their entire pregnancies and lives and i truly hope that they will always stay this way and always stay safe. unfortunately today, my new doctor called and told me that my blood tests show that i have Hashimoto's thyroiditis (like Hypothyroidism). if this is truly the case, then it potentially could explain a lot about what i have experienced for a long time. it is an autoimmune disease and among different ways to treat it are taking medication for the rest of my life. my heart was heavy this afternoon as i wasted my time watching tv and eating to comfort myself.
i don't even think i'm going to tell certain "important" people in my life though. i don't think they care enough about me that i don't want their sympathy in this regard. we'll see though. i'll probably end up telling them in hopes that they will truly care about me, but in the end i will probably just be let down again, saddened by their lack of true concern and love for me.

anyways...i'm truly am so grateful for the many ways i have been blessed in my life and pray that most of all, my children will be safe, happy and taught to stay close to their Heavenly Father.

yours truly.

p.s. we got more emergency food items for our 72 hour kits today. i'm so excited because it's one less thing for me to have to worry about...

chapter 115 : at least i've got Wilson or maybe i can find one this summer at a yard sale anyway...

2008-06-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

i am overwhelmed!

from the outrageous price of gas and food to the constant weight of knowing i need to get my family food storage and emergency essentials together. then there is the constant dismal weather that keeps gracing my days (thankfully we saw the sun this afternoon!). it's all feeling TOO MUCH!
i SO need a vacation, but could never justify the money it would cost when there are so many other things we need to get "just in case." all of the pressure i feel makes me end up wanting to do nothing, sleep too much and not answer my phone. shoot...you got to know it's bad when i stopped keeping up with the blogging world in Google Reader or checking Freecycle for the unwanted items i can drive mr. clean crazy with by cluttering my home even more. in fact i feel a need to get rid of things...something must really be going on.
then i think of what it was like growing up with a bi-polar Dad and cringe and feel defeated because i yelled at my girls too much today (i can hardly believe with my past that i even yell at my sweet babies at all)! i NEVER want to be like the two "fathers" i had and yet it's almost like i'm destined for it.
i haven't cried yet, but feel like i'm on the verge sometimes throughout the day. i'm going to give myself credit for the "sort of" clean that i did in my house today. it was my attempt to overlook the couple of hours of tv i watched in the afternoon and the QUALITY attention that i FAILED to give my precious girls. i was a BAD Mom today for sure.
i'm so lacking in motivation and can't bring myself to be excited about even finishing my giveaway projects. sorry recipients...pray for sunshine!

hoping tomorrow is better and that i don't feel like i'm stranded on a deserted island...

yours truly.

chapter 114 : slice n' dice to save our lives...

2008-06-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

recently after another trip to Target for things we "need" and in order to save us financially, mr. clean did the following to my credit card...
he totally didn't do this behind my back, to be mean and/or abusive or out of anger, (he is so NOT any of those things) he did it because he loves me and to help our family. i honestly know that i NEEDED to do it for so long, but was holding onto how spending makes me feel...exhilarated then depressed. beside food, it has become my way to deal with stress which of course only creates more stress and i think its even harder because i rarely spend much on myself.

now we are trying to do better with only spending cash, not using the car so often and really living with our means. i know it's a good idea to listen to the Prophet and other church leaders, but i think it's definitely time we start acting on it.

yours truly.

(picture from here)

chapter 113 : awful news...

2008-06-09T23:34:00.000-07:00

mr. clean told me today that he heard that we aren't going to get sunshine in the Seattle area until like July 17th. i don't know if i'm going to make it without sunshine til then. it's killing me.

yours truly.

chapter 112 : no worries...

2008-06-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

for all of you still waiting for your giveaway goodies, don't worry, i'm working on them and hope to have them out sometime soon...

thanks for you patience.

yours truly.

chapter 111 : reasons to rave...

2008-06-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

i have been finding/seeing/loving so many things lately and to try to combat the STUPID Seattle area rain, i feel that i need to share these amazing finds. in no specific order...

* a friend introduced me to this work and i WISH i could it too.

* so grateful that i found this, one of my new graphic design idols, that led me to this.

* wish i could do this type of thing, among many others, as well.

* i LOVE these new pudding singles. i am a HUGE chocolate lover, but don't really care for chocolate pudding, cake or ice cream. these new singles are more like mousse and set up in about 5 minutes. a perfect little snack if you are in need of a fix...

* found this great fabric shop, Fabric Supplies by Charlie, on etsy through a friend's blog. the prices seem so much better than what my local, overpriced Ben Franklin sells. maybe someday if i save my $ then i can order a whole bunch of treats for Sweet Stella here.

* one my most favorite photography blogs ever, Bethany Jackman Photography. wish she would have been available when i was getting married.

* a favorite creative blog, my crazy life..., i swear this woman's hiding her superhero cape somewhere.

* of course, who couldn't LOVE the great perspective and crafty eye that Candace Todd has. love her new little creation too, sew along.

* don't feel i could do much justice to this post of the things i love without mentioning some of my all time favorites too...my happy little life, the nienie dialogues, it's good to be Ashley Carter and simply.

* and finally...in the past i wasn't really that much of a Coldplay fan, but this one has me hooked. i LOVE it and once i hear it, i can't get it out of my head or the thoughts of choreography i could come up with for it as well...

hope you enjoy as much as i am...

yours truly.

chapter 110 : my new best friend...

2008-06-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

in another desperate attempt to conquer my horrendous eating/health habits, i went to a new doctor today. she was AMAZING and i am now an even greater advocate for naturopathic medicine...such a different experience.
of course like usual, she told me how i NEED to drink more water and eat less sugar, so despite some of the super yummy, generic Safeway oreos (tuxedos), i did pretty well. i am now taking a natural extract to help with energy as well as TRYING to overall eat better. so instead of grabbing food while watching SYTYCD tonight, i grabbed my very neglected since it's been purchased (and probably cancer ridden ;) ) water bottle and downed more water than my body has had in probably the last month.
after having urinated 3 times in the last two hours (more than i do when i'm pregnant) i definitely remember one of the reasons beside taste that i avoid water, but overall, i think my body is soaking it in like a thirsty person would be in the desert. in fact i'm probably going to be "water logged" by the time i go to bed and since i'm still afraid of the dark, hopefully i won't have to visit the throne around 3 am.
at least i'm off to a better start than in the past and hope this time i can make some better habits stick, not only for me, but for my girls too. they deserve better than learning to eat too much sugar. my next appointment is in 4 weeks, so that will be a good check to see how well i'm doing.

yours truly.

chapter 109 : LMBO (laughing my BUTT off)

2008-05-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

i had heard this awful rumor on the radio, but thanks so Lindsay for sharing the dreadful news...

hope you enjoyed!

yours truly.

chapter 108 : i think i'm in LOVE again...

2008-05-26T00:09:00.000-07:00

while TRYING to learn CS3 by reading/watching tutorials, i found this company, Go Media, and let's just say that they are AMAZING! want to see for yourself, check out their designs. they are what i would consider "contemporary abstract" and i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE their work. one of the highlights also is the fact that they sell stock images for commercial/personal/whatever use for pretty cheap...way better than istock, etc.
the more "art" i find like this, the more i REALLY want to get into graphic design and can't wait to learn more.

check it out...i'm sure you'll LOVE it too.

yours truly.

chapter 107 : oh my goodness...

2008-05-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

so i'm so GLAD that So You Think You Can Dance is on again. i actually love the audtion shows more than the actual finalist ones because you can see the dancers present their best moves and see amazing technique.
i wish that i would have realized my potential is dance and had never quit, but then again i don't think i could wear the clothes or do some of the partner moves ;). i'm so happy that i'm back into it now though because once it's in your heart, i don't think you EVER let it go.

i also LOVE that we have the opportunity to take two of the most precious things Heavenly Father has given us, our bodies and music, and combine them to display passion, emotion and to show who we really are. talents truly are blessings and who knows, maybe one day i'll have the opportunity to work with someone like Mia Michaels too.

yours truly.

chapter 106 : the winners are...

2008-05-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

thanks to the fabulous assistance of mr. clean in a completely unbiased, random drawing, the winners are :

the biggie : Sara
2nd place : Carol
the runner up : Maria

i also decided to give honorable mentions as well because you commented the most:
TaNicka & Shannon. i'm going to make you both 5 handmade cards. thanks!!!

CONGRATS you guys. i really hope you like what you will be receiving and let's hope i can get it to you in a timely manner as well ;).

a HUGE thank you to all who entered! it was so great to hear from old friends as well as new ones, Keren and Rishel. i plan to do another giveaway in the future. i like having something to look forward to.

yours truly.

chapter 105 : a change...

2008-05-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

so i'm adding in a pillowcase to the big winner's prize too....check below for the details of the giveaway...

yours truly.

chapter 104 : playing catch up...

2008-05-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

so part of the reason i wanted to even do this blog was so that i would have a great place to express myself through things i am doing. here are some new and past things for me :

* i started teaching a dance class in my ward as an Enrichment Group. so if you want to come and get a great workout and learn a dance too, i teach on Weds. mornings from 9-10 and Sat. mornings from 7-8:30. children are welcome and we do it at my church building. let's just say that i really LOVE the ladies i do this for because mornings are not my specialty. honestly though when i got up and going this past Sat. and the sun was shining, it felt like a new start for me. it was a beautiful day and such a wonderful blessing for me to be able to share one of my talents with my great friends. thanks my little dancing divas!

* i'm super excited because i might be starting a graphic design program through BCC extended learning. more details to come if i do it.

* these are a favorite pair of shoes that i bought clear back in dec. so functional and add the perfect touch to my otherwise boring & frumpy Mommy wardrobe...i'm trying to get back in style.

* this is the color we painted our entry way...

* this is the blanket i made for a girl in my ward who just had her 3rd boy yesterday. i love the blue polka dot border and think it turned out pretty cute...

* my first attempt at flower hair clips for the girls. i've gotten lots better since then...

* the top of a baby blanket i started making from a pattern on my happy little life by Kelly McCaleb. love these colors right now and so i was happy to find these fat quarters for only .99 cents.

* so GRATEFUL i found my sewing machine manual online because as you can see below, i was having some MAJOR tension issues...luckily i got it figured out and the blanket finished the night before the shower.

* some hair clips i made for my friend Jennifer. too bad my camera was retarded on the focus part of things. they are lots cuter in real life...

* my new baby!!! isn't she beautiful. i think she should affectionately be called sweet stella!

* a fun pillow case i made by copying one of my best friends, Lynn's, patterns.

* i made all of these for the auction in our ward to help the Young Women be able to go to Girl's Camp. it was fun to make these to help them...

* i made this blanket for my little Bug. she told me she wanted monkeys and for my 2nd one like this, i thought it turned out pretty good. love the way the vine stitch goes so well with the pattern.

* this was my attempt to save money and go blonde at the same time. i ended up with copper instead. so 4 boxes and a couple weeks later, mr. clean asked me to go back to auburn and i did. so now i look almost like i did in this 1st picture...

* oh my Sweet Stella!

* this is the blanket i made for my little Chubbily Bubbly. i love the flower pattern and the decorative stitch. it is so me!

* just some of the flower clips i've made. they are getting cuter each time i make them. thanks to amy for her creative expertise.

* one of the cute designs by Carol that i made at her card making Enrichment night a while ago.

more to come in the future, especially pictures of the giveaway prizes.

yours truly.

chapter 103 : almost time...

2008-05-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

so i'm going to pick the winner on Weds., May 21st, so there is still plenty of time to enter again or tell others about it.
i also decided to change my prizes a bit. i'm going to give like this :

the biggie :
* handmade flannel baby blanket (you get to pick the one you like out of 4 different ones i am making)
* handmade childrens pillowcase
* 3 hair clips for a little girl (you pick the colors)
* 5 handmade cards, designed by my oh so creative friend, Carol Calloway (she designs for a scrapbooking store)
* an original piece of artwork...most likely with a bird in it :)

2nd place :
* an original apron made by my super cute & fabulous friend, Amber Folkman. the apron is yellow and white on one side and a light grayish blue on the other...so cute!
* 2 hair clips (you pick the colors)

the runner up :
* 2 hair clips (you pick the colors)
* 5 handmade cards

i thought this way, i could share with more people. thank you all again for commenting here. i appreciate your kindness...even if you are blogstalking Becky! just teasing

yours truly.

chapter 102 : good ol' flabbity flab and being LOST in the glorious sunlight!

2008-05-15T23:06:00.001-07:00

today is one of those days for me...a FAT day! i've been super sick this past week with allergies (which my 1 year old also seems to have as she scratches her ears, head and rubs her eyes...poor baby) and a dumb cold so i haven't danced since last Sat. i can so tell! i just feel GROSS!

thank you all for your comments. i'm was working on items that are part of the giveaway tonight, but then of course i got out of my creative groove thanks to LOST. which by the way, i had almost given up on that show again (like the 10th time), but after last week and tonight, i'm back in Baby! next week's season finale will definitely not be one to miss. on nights like this, i love the 52 incher, but still long for a remodeled kitchen as well...awww the irony!

the most important information of all...it was like 75 degrees today and we were able to go outside and actually enjoy it. it's getting so bad that yesterday my 2 year old even commented something to the effect of, "where's the sunshine? i don't see it!" all i could do is hang my head in sadness and say, "i know. me too!"

i'm excited to get posting more again and to get the giveaway taken care of soon. keep your little eyes here for the exciting news of who the winner is...

yours truly.

chapter 101 : want more?

2008-05-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

thank you all for your comments thus far. keep them coming and thanks for your support of my own little "creative corner" of the world.
are you wanting even more amazing stuff that i can make? go here to a fabulous local creator and check our her give away, buy something from her etsy shop or just smile in aww at her AMAZING creations.
congrats Sara on your 1 year etsy anniversary!

chapter 100 : drumroll please...

2008-05-12T00:07:00.000-07:00

so if you're interested in free stuff, leave me a comment and i will pick a winner in the near future.

rules to enter :
* you can enter as many times as you wish
* if you link my blog on your blog and you let you me know, you get extra points (c:

disclaimer :
i will get your prize(s) to you soon after the winner is announced, but it might take me a while as i will have to make it and get it out and i'm a HUGE procrastinator.

advice to win :
good luck !

yours truly.

chapter 99 : the time has come

2008-05-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

my baby is one tomorrow.
how blessed i am.

you are so
beautiful
sweet
happy
loving
mischievous
curious
funny
and amazing.

oh how we love our little Chubbly Bubbly!

chapter 98 : tuned out

2008-04-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

so i was definitely one of THOSE moms today. you know the type where you talk to your friends at the indoor playground and realize that your child needs your help. the kind of mom who talked on the phone to friends for a great part of the afternoon. the mom who wasn't really tuned into her kids needs today.
yeah, i admit it...i need to REFRESH myself in my role as "Mommy." my girls are so sweet and need a more TUNED IN parent.

yours truly.

chapter 97 : move along, move along like i know you [need to] do...

2008-04-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

recently i had to give someone a gift. with the gifts, i included a card and had one of the most DIFFICULT times of my life figuring out what to write in it.
it was very hard because i have a deep history with this person and should be able to conjure up many wonderful words of "miss you's" or "hope to see you soon," but i just couldn't bring myself to be dishonest in that fashion. before you go on thinking, "Wow, she's a HUGE brat!" let me say that first i probably am not the nicest person ever even though i try to be and always find myself realizing that my motivation almost completely lies in selfish regard although i don't mean for it to be that way. and secondly, probably the most important piece of information needing to make sense of this verbage is the fact that the older (yeah 25 is getting up there ;) ) i get the more i realize that i don't need certain people in my life and i really want to continue distancing myself from my past in a VAST way.
i am grateful for many lessons and people who influenced me in the past to make me who i am today, but honestly, much of that PRIOR life just brings drama, renumeration about being stuck in emotional high school/middle school/abusive family & home life hell, and relationships with people who aren't capable to give me what i really need in a relationship with them. basically it's all really depressing to me as the longer i hold onto wanting something i can't have the longer and more painfully it continues to hurt as i will never understand why certain people don't behave the way they "should" because of the role they are in.
okay so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...i know, but what i'm trying to get at is that while i had a hard time with this card situation, i got thinking that i'm getting closer and closer to moving forward in my life with greater purpose and drive and that i really don't need those people in my life who don't really care about me.

IF RELATIONSHIPS ARE TOXIC or SOMEONE REALLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE then be smarter than me and DROP THEM LIKE THEIR "HOT!"

yeah, yeah...easier said that done, but at least i'm recognizing it. the time is soon approaching for change...if only i had some MAJOR courage!

yours truly.

chapter 96 : this n' that

2008-04-30T01:15:00.000-07:00

right now i am so LOVING :

* being creative...making baby blankets, clips, pillowcases, etc. (pictures to come)
* dancing again
* my family
* i saw the sun today if only for a brief period
* the many ways i'm exercising my talents
* that my color printer FINALLY has ink once again thanks to the cheap deal on eBay
* Cirque du Soleil very soon
* fresh fruit
* the SUPER cute tin box of fabric that i got for 50% off
* the new, little wooden bird i got...so cute!!!
* my sewing machine

i am currently not IN LOVE with :

* my lack of patience
* rain
* not being able to attend Jacqueline's dance class at least twice a week
* bedtime
* when people share inappropriate, personal information
* feeling guilty
* still not knowing my "place" in life
* bad timing
* my "muffin-top" :(
* being hungry, but nothing sounding good

yours truly.

chapter 95 : sharing the facts...

2008-04-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

since i started watching tv again, occasionally i will watch the Nancy Grace Show. i used to really appreciate how she seemed to "fight for the victim" in the stories she reported about, but now i'm getting really FED UP with their stupid misreported facts about the FLDS polygamy saga and their religion's connection to Joseph Smith.
so tonight, after a 2nd false statement, i couldn't take it any longer. i am so PASSIONATE about things that are important to me and this is SO important to me. i would never want anyone to think that my religion is linked to something illegal and wrong like this. yes, in the past like 150 years they participated in polygamy as a commandment from our Heavenly Father, but the times were so different then. now though, we DON'T do that in our church and we do not condone abuse and isolation like the FLDS religion does. in fact our church doesn't support criticizing other religions at all, but we also don't believe in the illegal practices that they have in the FLDS church either.
so without further hestitation, i give you my "get the facts of stories right" email that i sent to the show...

"I have seen two separate shows of yours which link the FLDS church with Joseph Smith improperly. While I do not know the FLDS' exact correlation with Joseph, I do know that the things stated on your show about him are FALSE. As a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, whose first prophet was Joseph Smith and whose teachings we still study today, we no longer support polygamy or those who practice it. For instance, on your show tonight, April 28th, you state Joseph Smith's birthday as being on April 6th and that is why the FLDS church members honor that day. Well, I must inform you of the truth. His birthday is actually Dec. 23, 1805 and as stated in a previous show about the color red, we, the true followers of Joseph Smith's teachings, do not have anything against the color red or any color for that matter.
As someone who tries to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ and also respect the life of a Prophet whom I know to be true, Joseph Smith, I ask that you please research your facts better before connecting my religion with one that certainly DOES NOT follow the true teachings of Christ and his True modern-day prophets on the earth now. If you would like a good book to get facts from, please read "Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith," that is published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2007.
I have grown up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my entire life and have never been taught anything like what the FLDS and Warren Jeffs teaches and in fact we abhor abuse, isolation and dishonesty.
Thank you for getting your facts straight in the future and may all of these children be shown that there is a better and safer life other than what they've been taught."

so i hope that they will do better research before nationally televising things about the first Prophet of my Church and falsely connecting the awful things that are going on in the FLDS church with the TRUE church.

yours truly.

chapter 94 : blessed memories

2008-04-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

some major points that are still looming on my mind :
* i haven't given up hope on being able to go to cosmetology school just yet, but i'm coming to ACCEPT that NOW isn't the right time for it.
* i DESPERATELY want a mini schnauzer. i think it would make my world a better place...some may disagree, but i LOVE puppies and so do my girls.
* i'm currently working on this baby quilt by the oh so FABULOUS Kelly McCaleb...oh and about a million other projects that i never finish...
* i'm so grateful for how MINDFUL my Heavenly Father is of me and for friends that let us invite ourselves to their house...not mentioning any names, jennifer!

my thoughts tonight though are turned to a very important person who i was privileged to know in my life, my sweet, yet bold Nana. today was her birthday. she was my maternal great-grandmother and i was so BLESSED to grow up so close to so many of my grandparents.
tonight, my hearts swells with gratitude for the woman she was; the caffeine-free diet coke habit she had; her soap-opera, Wheel of Fortune and Murder She Wrote addictions; the way she always welcomed us into her home without reservations because we were hers; her false teeth; playing Huskerdoo with me; the way she listened to the local police scanner and then would go and find out where all the "action" was taking place; the way she is still with me each day.

who would i be without the irreplaceable love that i was shown while i was growing up by these wonderful, faithful, kind and sometimes harshly honest elders in my life? the truth is that i don't know, but more importantly, i do feel a great connection to my past because of them. i learned some wonderful lessons because of who they were and i can only imagine how sweet our reunion will one day be when i can thank them for their aid in my life.

i KNOW that they are with me and help me get through hardships i face. i can feel them lifting and buoying me at times when i feel alone. what a BEAUTIFUL blessing from our Heavenly Father to know that i have extra help when i need it most. i am truly never forgotten even amidst my inadequacies.

so THANK YOU my sweet Nana, Grandpa Jim, Grandma Beth and Grandpa Elmo for your ever present strength and life. i love you, miss you and pray i can pass on who you were to my children if only through my memories of you.

yours truly.

chapter 93 : i'm on S-T-R-I-K-E!

2008-04-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

dear weather,

i want you to know that i am really starting to despise you! it was bad enough that i have to endure "seattle" dreariness during a great part of the year, but now you've GONE too far! i NEVER know what to wear, what to think or what temperature i should set my thermostat to. one minute your snowing and church is cancelled, then you shoot up to a BEAUTIFUL 85 degrees where i can see the light at the end of this winter hole and almost ALL of my wildest dreams are coming true and then you, you BLASTED weather you, snow and hail on us by the following sat.
what is one to make of all of this chaos? what is a poor girl to do? i don't want to give up on summer, but i've just about pulled out the BIG GUNS, called up HAWAII and made a treaty to kick your booty where the sun don't shine...LITERALLY.
don't give up just yet though. there is still one way to win my heart back, but it includes the following : SUN, the beach and perfect, warm temperatures until NOV. got that?

all my love and wrath,

yours truly.

chapter 92 : we're all going to die...

2008-04-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

thanks to all of you who commented on my "100th post giveaway." since i loved the comments and like everyone who said something so much, i'm going to do it. so stay tuned into this, your most favorite blog in the entire blogosphere (i'm a huge dork, i know!), and pretty soon #100 will be here...well if i'd actually post more anyway!

so last night as i was trying to find something and with our "on demand" out for like the 4th time in 3 weeks, i happened to see a commercial for the news. one of the quick teasers they said was something like, "tune in to find out why walmart and other big stores pull baby bottles off the shelves." so of course with my cute little ones using bottles and sippy cups like 50 times daily, i knew i needed to check it out. upon a little research, i found out that they were talking about BPA (bisphenol A) and it's possible problem causing issues.
in my Social Work program at BYU, we were told a saying that goes something like this, "if you see something once, notice it. if you it a 2nd time, pay attention. if you see it a 3rd time, do something about it." ok, ok, that's definitely not word for word, but i like to use this type of reasoning when i see something come up time and again in my life as has the issue and awareness of BPA.
my wonderful MIL was warning us about this exact thing 2 years ago, then i heard about it again subtly and now when i saw that last night on the news and read this earlier, that Canada is banning products without it, i knew i needed to do more research to try and protect my family from a possible danger.
now i know there is so much in the world that we can worry and fret over, like the lead based paint toy scare and only eating organically because of the toxins and chemicals in food, but i'm really starting to feel like my family needs to try and avoid BPA as much as possible. i also know that there probably is no for sure way to avoid everything that has it in it, but i want to try. so earlier today, we made a trip to Babies R' Us and picked up some great bottles, sippy cups, and utensils for the girls.
some of the items that show as "BPA free" on their packaging are a lot more expensive that the usual cheap cups and lids i've bought in the past, but i think it's worth it if i can help my children stay away from the possible dangers that may end up being linked to BPA-containing plastics.

so if you're interested in learning more about what's safe and what's not, here are some great links to check out :

http://safemama.com/2007/11/22/bpa-free-bottle-and-sippy-cup-cheat-sheet/
http://zrecs.blogspot.com/2007/11/z-report-bisphenol-in-baby-bottles-and.html

just an FYI though, these lists sort of contradict each other, so some other research may need to be done or you can even call the manufacturer of a product if you want to be extra sure. my best advice would be though to just follow the Spirit and go with what you feel right. now that we have some new products in our home, i feel better and like we're on a better path of safety for our children.

hope this helps...

yours truly.

p.s. just found this link http://zrecs.blogspot.com/2007/12/bpa-in-infant-formula-notes-on.html regarding baby formula and that the levels of BPA in them are too high! so i'm going to stop reading anything as i'm starting to get panic-attack feeling over the dangers of this...just hoping i'm doing what i can to help my children now and in the future!

chapter 91 : reflecting upon my reflection

2008-04-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

today i talked with one of my great friends. she never ceases to inspire and amaze me. during our conversation, i shared a recent experience i had where i learned A LOT about paying attention to the Spirit and acting upon those feelings. toward the end of our chat, i told her that she was lucky that she didn't know me like 10 years ago and later i found myself reflecting upon my own reflection in the mirror.
the person i was about 8 years ago and who i am now are two very different people. in many ways, i am who i always have been because i know that personality is something that isn't CHANGED very easily if at all, but i also truly hope that i am someone BETTER.
as i look back, i think i always look for an explanation for the choices i made.
honestly, i'm NOT over them completely either!
but i also find hope in the future.

i find it interesting though that when i'm critical of others, not as forgiving of faults as i should be or my thinking turns to placing myself higher than others (all of which i wish wasn't part of me), i often realize how HYPOCRITICAL i am. who am i to think _________ about someone when the things i do, the ways i act or the words i speak are probably often the same as what i'm condemning.

my heart is truly heavy at this moment and i feel overwhelmed by my inadequacies. i feel strained by my weaknesses. i feel burdened by the small sins i commit that prohibit me from truly acting like Jesus Christ in my life.

i know this moment will pass and i will feel this way again in the future, but i hope that next time i will think before i open my mouth.

yours truly.

chapter 90 : dangerously so close

2008-04-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

so i'm getting dangerously close to my 100th listed post on this blog. many other blogs i stalk send out a package when they hit a big milestone, so i'm wondering...does anyone want me to send something out when i hit the BIG 100?
i'm thinking it could include, but not be limited too some things like :
* an original piece of art
* a baby blanket
* some cute little girl hair clips
* some cute cards
* a yummy, sugar-loaded treat (who am i kidding anyway? sugar sober...blah, blah, blah)
* and possibly something else i come up with

so if you even occasionally glance at this blog and think you would be interested in me doing this, leave a comment here. if i only get one comment, then i'll still consider it, but hey you might never get so lucky again as to get something from me (c:

yours truly.

chapter 89 : praise to the Man!

2008-04-06T22:59:00.000-07:00

today in my religion we have our biannual General Conference meeting. it was such a wonderful experience. i LOVED the Solemn Assembly and wept from the beginning through the sustaining. part of me was even afraid that i wouldn't be able to stand due to feeling my emotions and the Spirit so strongly. i am so thankful to have a living Prophet of God on the earth who leads and guides our church. He along with the other leaders truly are called of God and i received that witness again today.
this conference, i was reminded of some things once again...

* i am so grateful for the way that the leaders of the Gospel never condemn us for our mistakes, but always tell us how well we are doing and urge us to do a little better. even though they sometimes speak on very strong and even challenging subjects, they always give their accounts in such a way that brings hope and helps me want to strive to do better, not only for myself, but for my family and those i come in contact with.

* the Brethren help me to feel loved like my Savior loves me. i know that they pray for us and are mindful of all of the members of Church and it brings such comfort to me to gain a little bit more insight into the way that Jesus Christ so selflessly loves and desires for my happiness. mr. clean made a comment like, "how could anyone listen to them and not know it's true?"

3 things that i hope to work on between now and the next conference are :
* to try to find greater balance in my life. i loved the talk by Elder Ballard in the last session. it was another testament to me that the Lord and his disciples truly are aware of what our lives are like and what we go through each day.
* i NEED to pray more and include my Heavenly Father more often. i remember hearing something to the effect that, "your need the extra help to raise your children. you can't do it alone!" this is SO true!
* use my time more wisely. i am the type of person that lives in extremes. i tend to either give 100% of myself to something or just barely get by. this goes for all aspects of my life from cleaning to getting ready and reading my scriptures to praying. my family and i deserve better than this and so do those i come in contact with as well, friends, acquaintances, etc., but most importantly, my Heavenly Father and Savior deserve better for all that they have done for me. without the mindfulness of my Father in Heaven, i know i wouldn't be who or where i am today and without my Savior, Jesus Christ and the Atonement, i would be lost!

the Gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored upon the earth and is here in its fullness. i am truly blessed!

yours truly.

*to see one of the most beautiful and powerful witnesses of Christ, go here.

chapter 88 : even if you don't got it, flaunt it!

2008-04-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

and i'm back! not sure how many people actually read or care, but hey that's beside the point right?

earlier i was thinking about self image. i think that too often, women don't accept their bodies as they are. we are all trying too often to change or wish certain parts of us were like someone elses. so today i decided that i'm going to CELEBRATE MY BODY!

ok...so don't think i'm a huge weirdo or anything! i just mean for today, i'm going to TRY and love me the way i am. i know i could always look better, but trying to look like what the perfect brittany would be seems too ARTIFICIAL for me and pointless. i mean it's most likely that all of us will look like old ladies with short permed hair, wrinkled hands, sun spots, and probably a little overweight by the time we're 70 anyway, so why not enjoy the way we are now!

instead of dogging on myself and feeling like crap when i eat too much today, i'm just going to try and tell those thoughts to SHOVE IT!

anyone who is interested is welcome to join my CELEBRATE YOUR BODY DAY today. maybe by bedtime i'll feel a little more loved and a little less like i'm not cutting it because i don't look how i perceive the world thinks i should.

best of luck in your CELEBRATION!

yours truly.

capter 87 : weirdo weather

2008-03-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

i think the rain is turning to snow...i'm TOO ready for summer. skip the spring crap! i think i'm getting a love/hate feel for you now, spring. you are only bringing dreariness to seattle!

yours truly.

chapter 86 : screaming through my follicles

2008-03-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

so today while doing my hair...i actually have been straightening it the past couple of days...i know, i know, a miracle. back to the point! as i was almost done, i noticed something. a bad something! i'm going to call it champagne blonde, but it was basically a white/very light blonde looking hair. i pulled it out immediately as if i would be electrocuted in 5 seconds if i didn't get out of my scalp. i think NERVOUS BREAKDOWN thought about creeping into my 5 minute beauty routine at that point. my Mom started going gray in her early 30's and so now i'm a little worried. i'm really hoping it was a fluke, but holy crap...i'm too young to support clairol through a $7 bottle of dye a week.

yours truly.

chapter 85 : soaking it in

2008-03-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

both girls are sleeping (woohoo!) and instead of doing all that i should around the house, i'm...
* vegging while taking my time to fold one of the 5 or 6 batches of laundry we did this past weekend
* soaking up the rays coming in through my window...yes sunshine in seattle
* relishing in how blessed i am this day
* loving my husband on his birthday
* getting "caught up" through google reader
* loving this moment

yours truly.

chapter 84 : it's all you

2008-03-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

(my little tribute to his many talents. this is a cgi model that he created. it's not real, but looks amazing!)

mr. clean's birthday is tomorrow. we're getting old!
we got him some party hats, blowers and even "pin the tail on the donkey." i also got him a new lens for the rebel, but later cancelled the order. so now i guess i'm saying Happy Birthday to him by letting him enjoy World of Warcraft once again.
it really doesn't take much to make him happy.

i hope you have an amazing day and know that your girls LOVE you!

yours truly.

chapter 83 : .

2008-03-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

today you gave me a gift
not a tangible gift, but one of
Hope.

you helped me be able to
Enjoy.
Love.
Laugh.

i truly love the way you
Love.
life and never question why you
Deserve.
such
Happiness.

in those intimate moments we spent
just being together, i
Loved.
you so much
perhaps more than i've ever allowed myself to

you make me
Happy.
you teach me to
Live.
in the moment and not regret who i am

you
Help.
me to be able to
Feel.

i
Love.
you

chapter 82 : He lives!

2008-03-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

today i am humbled and grateful for the opportunity to attend church and remember the Resurrection of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that without him, my life would not be what it is. i would not be happy. i probably would have never married my husband or have my sweet family. my life would be so different!
i am so grateful that i get to be with my family forever. what peace it brings to know and believe this...my children and husband are sealed to me for eternity. i am so thankful the Hope that the Gospel of Jesus Christ brings and that there is a way for me to repent of my mistakes and try to become more like Christ.
earlier, i was thinking about the final judgement and how i feel in front of my Savior. right now, i feel like i would be kneeling with my head dropped, heavy with guilt for all of my sins i have committed and continue to make each day. But i also thought about how a loving and most kind, Savior Jesus Christ, perhaps would come to me and lift my chin and tell me to stop being so hard on myself and that i've done well and it would all be ok.

i could never ask for a better advocate in my defense for eternal life!

Oh how i truly love my Savior, elder Brother and Reeder, Jesus Christ. For without him i would be nothing!

a tomb like the one where His body was laid appearing to Mary Magdalene after He was resurrected

in His glory!
showing his apostles the prints in His hands and feet
ascending to heaven
the resurrected Lord!

I Know that My Reeder Lives!

from http://www.lds.org/ "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
Because Jesus died for us and was resurrected, everyone who has ever lived on the earth will be resurrected: "But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept. For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive" (1 Corinthians 15:2022).
Resurrection is a gift freely given to everyone through Jesus Christ. But to return to the presence of Heavenly Father, we must follow the teachings of Christ and the example He gave us when He said, "No man cometh unto the Father, but by me" (John 14:6).
Heavenly Father's ultimate gifts to us come through His Son, Jesus Christ. These gifts are happiness in this life as we follow His light and eternal life in the world to come. (See John 8:12; John 11:25.)"

today in Primary (the classes our children ages 3-12 attend during church), we sang my favorite Primary song, I'm Trying to be Like Jesus. i couldn't get through the song. it touched me too deeply. although i'm not perfect and make many mistakes, i want to be like Him and find hope that i can come closer to it each day.

yours truly.

chapter 81 : well endowed, not so much anymore

2008-03-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

stopped breastfeeding baby K recently. let's just say i'm feeling a little flat now.
it's amazing how much my body has changed since having kids. i think it's so interesting when i see old pictures of myself and wonder what i was thinking...why i thought i was so fat and didn't accept my body then. if i knew in the past what i know now, i would have worn a lot more bikinis.

yours truly.

chapter 80 : like duh...

2008-03-21T22:11:00.001-07:00

tonight we went out for mr. clean's birthday. can you believe it? he's going to be 28 on monday. since i graduated high school, time has continued to move at the speed of light.
sometimes the more i talk with people, the more i realize how little others actually might know me and how little i still know myself.
guess there's always tomorrow to find out more...

yours truly.

chapter 79 : alone

2008-03-18T01:41:00.000-07:00

surrounded by many
wistful conversations buzzing around
my head.

noticing, paying attention, realizing
that my journey isn't like most.

worry and fear drive my actions
while never truly allowed to just
be.

i wish i could let it all go...

engrained unconsciously
are the traits which i hate to possess.
they lead me and drive me and lie to me
day in and day out.

they steal the enjoyment that i long
for and the peace
i sincerely crave.

i could blame them
but why?

who would i be without it?

chapter 78 : paralyzed

2008-03-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

blindsided, paralyzed
by my own mind

thoughts
travel
through time
tracing
tearful tries

and hypocrital lies
that deny
my inside
to be made fully
whole.

my tangible being tired
my intangible soul
slipping,
sliding,
gliding,
diving,
riding
the waves of midnight hours.

word plays and wasted moments
eloping
with fat food and sugary treats
create
my everyday reality
and life as it always is...

standing still.

unable to grasp the moment
unable to let go of the past
constantly critical
and always complaining
because you owe me something for all that i've done
for you.

i'm entitled. i deserve it
because of my intentions and commitment
to our bond.

the words come and keep me from
ever completely listening
and cause me to constantly compose
drama, anxiety, and drama.

if only i could be like Him.

chapter 77 : insomnia is my new best friend...arrrggghhh

2008-03-18T00:47:00.000-07:00

i'll pass on the perm, but you get the point...

last night i couldn't sleep. i think it was possibly the WORST insomnia i've ever had. there are perhaps some reasons for it though...

* since it was Sunday, we all took a nap and it was really good one...about 3 hours

* i started taking some new vitamins (odorless fish oil, vitamin D and fiber) and i took them in the evening so they wouldn't bug my stomach as much as they have in prior days...could they cause this? anyone know?

so it was about quarter after 3 last night and upon my 2nd attempt at slumber, baby K was ready for a bottle and then i finally fell asleep probably about 20 minutes or so following that. let's just say even though mr. clean was super sweet and let me sleep in later than he wanted to, 8:00 came WAY too early!

today, i took the new pills with lunch, but here i am at almost 1 and feel as though i could go all night with my head touching my pillow. luckily, i got some rest while baby K napped and the Bug watched her show or i would have been "dead meat" all day, especially since i didn't leave my house.

i've decided lately though how much i really want to pursue a dream of mine...the world of COSMETOLOGY. every time i get my hair cut or nails done, i wish i knew exactly how to do what they were doing. i wish i had a great friend from hair school who could do my hair and helped me keep it looking fabulous year round. i wish that i was able to do work some appointments out of my house at night or on Sat. for friends and family.

realistically, it would be SUPER hard to make this happen. mr. clean's current job (which he absolutely loves) is flexible, but not exactly willing to work around my schedule. with a ship date coming up in the not too distance future, with each day, it will/would be harder for me to keep a time commitment especially if i had to be in the big city by 5:00 each day...there's no way i can commute and be on time with traffic, his job and life.

so i keep trying to talk myself out of it and yet, i keep coming back to it. i would LOVE to be able to do it so much if for nothing more than myself. yes it would be nice to have a way to make a little extra cash each week/month. yes it would be nice to feel like i have something of my own that i help others with. yes it would be nice to have a trade that if needed i could fall back on. all of these reasons make me want it more and yet i can't bring myself to push for it and make it happen.

if only gas wasn't so stinking expensive! if only someone would do part-time night classes (yes it would take like 4 hours, but who cares...at least i'm doing the classes and doing them well). if only i would have done this before my kids, but i didn't know and i didn't feel as strongly about it then as i do now.

often i feel like i'm wasting my time and i know that is my own fault, but i don't have one hobby that i totally love or enjoy enough to do it all the time. i try something, get bored, put it away for a while and then come back to it later. i am very ADD about projects. i'm not a pro at one thing and i would like to be. i would love to feel like i have a niche and that i'm REALLY good at something instead of pretty good at a lot of things. i also think it's important for me to do something sooner than later if i'm going to do it because it would be easier to do something like this now before i have more children in the future.

i still have dreams of going back to school and getting my Masters degree in Social Work and probably focusing on Dance Therapy, but i don't feel like i'm up for that now. it's totally in my HEART, but isn't tugging at me like this other stuff is.

as a stay-at-home Mom, i KNOW that i am contributing in the most important way i can...teaching my children right from wrong, who they are and most importantly to try and act like the Savior in all that they do, but i also wish i had just something on the side to help get me through.

well. waiting to hear back from a school, but i'm not getting my hopes up as i doubt it will work for my current situation. i look once in a while and keep hoping that i will find the right program for me. i guess that's the most important lesson in all of this...learning to TRUST in Heavenly Father and his timing for what will happen in my life.

we'll see what happens in the future.

yours truly.

chapter 76 : common routine

2008-03-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

often my daily schedule goes something like this...

if we are staying home, which doesn't happen that often...
* get up and send mr. clean to work
* get breakfast around 8:00
* put baby K down for a nap while the little Bug watches some of her shows (Little Einsteins, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Super Why, etc.) and i either jump on the computer for a bit or catch a little shut eye
* lunch around 11:00
* naptime at 12:00 while baby K and I hang out watching tv/locking ourselves in the computer room so naptime will actually happen for big Sister.
* 3:00 work on the list affectionately entitled, "try to get done so mr. clean is happy when he comes home." this includes picking up toys, doing dishes...surface cleaning any clutter that accummulated during the day, make dinner, play with the girls, etc.
* 5-5:30 eat dinner
* 6:30 get the girls ready for bed
* 7:00 enjoy freedom ;)
* 6:15-7:00 am next morning wish they would just sleep in one morning...

if we go out...with rising gas prices, this will probably slow down a bit or i am trying anyway...
* get up, shower if i'm lucky that day and send mr. clean to work/sometimes take him to work
* get breakfast around 8:00
* let the girls watch a show while i try to get ready...there are probably many days that i don't look like i spent more than 5 seconds on myself, but i guess you sacrifice what it takes to just get out the door somedays
* if we have our lwtg class, make it there around 11:00; otherwise, go out to whatever is scheduled that day
* eat lunch while out or as soon as we get in the door
* naptime for the Bug shortly after we eat or get home.
* after naptime, work on the list affectionately entitled, "try to get done so mr. clean is happy when he comes home." this includes picking up toys, doing dishes...surface cleaning any clutter that accummulated during the day, make dinner, play with the girls, etc.
* 5-5:30 eat dinner
* 6:30 get the girls ready for bed
* 7:00 enjoy freedom ;)
* 6:15-7:00 am next morning wish they would just sleep in one morning...

yours truly.

chapter 75 : i wish these...

2008-03-10T23:44:00.000-07:00

all graced the hangers in my closet. Summertime, i can't wait to give you a big fat kiss!

chapter 74 : i truly heart this lately...

2008-03-10T23:41:00.000-07:00

yours truly.

chapter 73 : i hate it when...

2008-03-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

i buy something and in the process of my purchase, i think i'm getting what i like and want. then like 3 months or so later, a newer, cuter, way better model comes out for the same price.

shoot. i really hate this.

yours truly.

chapter 72 : shoot

2008-02-28T22:10:00.000-08:00

yesterday, i did pretty good beside the hot milk with vanilla and honey.
i got stressed today and then i had a rootbeer float and some super yummy, sugar-filled trader joe's yogurt. i rejected the cupcake offer...i was strong. perhaps better progress is in my near future...

yours truly.

chapter 71 : only water for me...thank you!

2008-02-27T14:36:00.000-08:00

take that all you free Microsoft drinks. i could have given in and drank any one of you...juice, pop, chocolate milk, hot chocolate, but NOOOOOO, i was strong and chose water. HA! good try evil tempation, but i made it today!

yours truly.

chapter 70 : maybe i shouldn't attend baby showers...

2008-02-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

thanks to Lisa for trying to help me kick my habit, but unfortunately i must report that after 2 brownie bites, 1 rootbeer and 1 baby shower later, i lost the fight again today.

there's still hope.

yours truly.

chapter 69 : 2 bad

2008-02-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

drank 2 rootbeers today. will have to try again tomorrow.

yours truly.

chapter 68 : help stop the addiction

2008-02-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

(thanks mr. clean for being the model in this picture...just so you all don't think i have facial hair growing)

hi my name is brittany. (everyone say, "hi brittany.") i am a sugar addict. i'm headed down a very dangerous and unhealthy path. i eat some type of sugar many times a day. it's a big problem.
i feign sugar when i don't have it. i crave it all the time. i need to stop eating it. everything has some type of sugar in it, so i'm going to try to stop eating sugar-filled things like candy, ice cream, baked goods, pop, candy, popsicles, chocolate, candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc.
i've had this problem for so long now that i think if i actually stop i might lose like 10 lbs. within a week. it's truly a miracle that all of my teeth haven't rotted out by now.
now as a Mom who wants to teach her children healthy eating habits and provide healthy meals and relationships with food, i know it's time to do some changing for good.
i'm really scared though. i LOVE sweet things. i enjoy having a super yummy treat with friends, or just when i'm relaxing. it's going to be really hard for me...one of the hardest things i've ever done before.
now i also realize that in order to be successful in changing a habit, you have to replace it with something else. so i'm going to TRY to start drinking more water and/or working out in place of the sugar cravings. i had someone in the past tell me that they started doing this in order to quit smoking, that every time they needed to smoke, they would go work out. they stopped smoking for a long time and it also helped them get into shape.
this also means for anyone that reads this that you have to help me. no more offering me fabulous snacks, no more bringing me little treats from work, no more letting overindulge when i go out...no more SUGAR!
so off i go on this treacherous journey to face my sugary sweet demon. i'm also going to track my progress on the side to see if i can actually hold myself to it. wish me luck...

yours truly.

chapter 67 : so tired of the past

2008-02-15T23:06:00.000-08:00

why don't i remember to expect it?
the choices from the past
continue to haunt the present

i will never be able to escape
the grasp of the life
i once led

i'm tired and so hurt
and i'm tired of the entire hurt
but there's no one else to blame

but me.

chapter 66 : right now

2008-02-11T00:18:00.000-08:00

at this moment i want...

* more sleep than i'm allowing myself to get lately. it's pretty pathedic since baby K is going to sleep at 7:00 and i'm still awake 5 hours later.
* something super yummy. nothing sounds good lately and i'm hungry. the chicken nuggets, plain yogurt with honey and the raspberry lemonade crystal light i had for dinner just didn't cut it.
* more motivation to start new projects, finish old ones and stop procrastinating.
* a pedicure.
* a more kind and charitable heart. i think about it, but don't act on it enough.
* contentment. to enjoy my life for what it is now, the process and current journey i am on.
* to watch another episode of Gilmore Girls.
* to stop harboring baggage which only creates more problems in my current life and doesn't let me move past the past.

yours truly.

chapter 65 : changed by design

2008-02-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

so here is my first attempt at blog design. in the past i have only created headers, but this time i created both the background and header. thanks to mr. clean and sjh blog design, it all came together.

let me know if you like it.

yours truly.

chapter 64 : got to get a little more out...

2008-02-05T23:01:00.000-08:00

recently i've been sick. not just any kind of sick, but the kinds where you hack 5 times in a row until your throat is clear, sneeze three times, make your bed soaking wet because your crazy fever finally broke and blow your nose about 7 times in one try...ok maybe too much info for some of you, but i was SUPER sick.
during my worst night, while waking up for like the 16th time, i could have swore it was like 5:30 in the morning. i needed the greater part of the night to be gone and for it to be at least 5:30 am, but lo and behold, it was a mere 12:30. i had only been asleep for like 2 hours. i thought i was going to pass out, not from the balloon-head congestion (although i felt dizzy many times), but because the night wasn't even half over.
i decided it was time to put it in someone else's hands and rely on my faith to get me through. it truly was a wonderful reminder of how blessed i am to have the Priesthood so abundant in my life through mr. clean.
when the oil touched my head, my pounding headache calmed and i knew there was an end in sight.

i am also so grateful for the Holy Ghost and the subtle promptings i receive. they never fail me when i choose to follow them. a while ago, my baby K was playing and since she's started putting more things in her mouth, i try to be extra careful if there are small pieces around. this day, baby K decided to try a sticker and when i checked on her and by heeding a prompting, i could see she was chewing on something. i decided to swab her mouth and luckily i was able to remove the sticker. she definitely could have choked on it and i don't even want to think about what could have happened.

i am so grateful for the promptings that come through the Spirit and for the Priesthood. i am truly blessed.

chapter 63 : dance, my true passion

2008-02-05T21:26:00.001-08:00

when i see you, i miss you.
it makes me think of what might have been,
what could have been
if i'd only continued to have you
in my life.

tonight you came back to me.
although i was nervous and not as comfortable
as i used to be,
you didn't fail me.

you always bring me joy
and light
and hope
and ways to fight fear
and attempts to claim confidence.
you are a true friend.

you free me
from my own bondage
and madness that is created
in the sphere i carry all around town.

you let me breathe
not physically, but spiritually
and self-lovingly.

i thank you for bringing me back,
for showing me i'm worth it
and for your sweet, enduring patience.

for with you i can fly
and fall in love again.

thank you for your smell
and international constancy.
you bring safety to once fallen knees
and a once shaken heart.

in time we will be friends once more
and i can show that embrace
through a truly simple smile
because i know you love me.

chapter 62 : i've been a bad, bad girl...

2008-02-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

so on monday, i was a bad Mom, a really bad Mom. blame it on the almost constant cloudy weather, my consistently crazy hormonal issues (poor mr. clean), or whatever you want, but i was a very bad Mom that day.
i felt like i couldn't control my temper, like i was yelling because of this and that and anything that was done. it made me sad. that is one area i never wanted to go...my children hearing me yell, being the yelling Mommy, turning into someone who can't control their anger.
i apologized to my sweet little Bug, but thankfully there was tomorrow and even though i did better, i still want to be better.
my girls deserve that. a nice, happy, kind, loving Mommy who helps them feel safe and peaceful in their own home.
sometime i feel like, "what am i even contributing of worth to this world?" i think i realize now how much i've got to work on!

chapter 61 : i can't make you love me...

2008-02-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

once in a while it hits me and it hits hard...i can't make people who are supposed to love and care about me actually love and care about me. realistically because i know myself pretty well, i acknowledge that i could actually be holding these people to expectations that are almost impossible to meet, but at the same time i don't think that just by remembering to ask about something that is really important to me is too much to ask from anyone, especially people who should because of the position they are in...wow long sentence. glad that one's over!

it's just hard sometimes trying to fill voids that continue to be empty no matter how many times i am reminded that they won't be filled. so in a vain attempt, i lie to myself and lie often by thinking that this time will be different. i throw around that this time i will matter, that i'm good enough and what i've done in my life is and will be enough for someone to be proud of me and show it through their actions in ways that tell me so.

and then the wall knocks me flat : it will never be what i need.

chapter 60 : afb (away from blogging)

2008-01-31T12:55:00.000-08:00

i haven't posted too much lately and i'm blaming it on this and the Gilmore Girls dvds i borrowed from Lisa.

chapter 59 : my moment of silence

2008-01-27T21:30:00.000-08:00

tonight i am saddened by the loss of the prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley. for more information on his life and legacy, please go here. what a beautiful and inspirational example of hope in times of desperation, of light in times of darkness and of positivity in times of despair. his call to strive to do a little better will always remain in my mind and heart. this world has truly lost it's present leader. he was truly a man of faith, honor, love and obedience. i am grateful and also look forward to who will be the next leader.

chapter 58 : ummm...yeah

2008-01-19T00:15:00.000-08:00

by about 11:30 pm, my madness
begins
to make sense.

and i fight between the slumber
i desperately need
and the few moments
i truly have
alone.

constant reflecting plagues my mind
as i drift into fantasy about
who or
what or
why or
what really matters
and how i often
despise
who i am.

it's ironically funny that i often preach
about allowing others to change
and yet a hypocrit i remain,
holding onto agony and pain
vainly created by
me
while always dishonestly believing that
it will be made right in the end.

i just know that i don't want to
become
my past, like advisors or an idle being
who wastes themselves in unimportance.

once again tired, i hope my mind
will be able to rest as i desperately
try to embrace
tangibility
and overcome my deep feelings of wrong
and despair
and being uncomfortable in what should be
one of my most beautiful positions in life.

to just have the desire to touch you
and never let go
and be in love like they were the other night.
i crave it and yet the motivation
needed
fails me.

i must continue despite my flaws
and insecurities and with heavy lids
i don't accept this part of what is
because
it's too much to overlook.

i'm sorry for my consistent problem causing.
i know how else to be, but just can't make myself do it.

chapter 57 : revisiting the past once again

2008-01-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

sad.
so sad.

i wish i could put it all behind me.

here i am with my true self exposed.
hoping they will forgive me.
healing is difficult through the ashes of the fire
i started
so long ago.

longing for acceptance,
but it all becomes clear
again...

you can't mend
broken wings,
broken eyes,
or broken things
if the mender is too blind
to see it.

(thank you to all from my past who see me now and don't make me live who i once was...)

chapter 56 : all hail the cleanliness

2008-01-15T22:22:00.000-08:00

my husband got home late from work today and is still working now at 10:25 pm. after he came in the door, i dashed out to do some shopping. upon my return and as i set some of the bags on the counter, i noticed a distinct, chemical type smell which i couldn't place. then it hit me as i walked back toward the door...mr. clean had attempted to finish painting our entry/hallway. he would have completely succeeded, but our small pint of taupe (i like to think of it more as espresso) just wasn't enough.
to spoil me even more, he cleaned our first floor as well. he did all with our little Chubbers in tow, chronic lower back pain, a sore toe and arthritis/carpal tunnel/mr. clean's usual 500 daily illnesses that don't stop him.
who would have ever thought i deserved such sweet acts of kindness...not me that's for sure!

thank you. thank you. thank you my handsome, studly mr. clean.

chapter 55 : would you like some cream with that?

2008-01-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

look what showed up at my house a couple days after we got home from our Christmas trip? i love this thing! nothing makes me happier than special drinks and mr. clean got me just what the doctor ordered.
all you do is pour in your milk (we don't use water here), pour in your favorite instant hot chocolate mix (i prefer Stephen's Raspberry Chocolate), push the button to on and then wait for it to do it for you. it comes out at almost the perfect temperature and you can even have froth if you want too. now i just need some super cute mugs and i'm set for a cold winter's day or any day for that fact...i've had a cup a day to get me through the last week.
so if you ever need a great pick me up, pick one of these up or let me know and i'll bring it over and it will froth your worries away too.

chapter 54 : mine

2008-01-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

at 8:08 pm 2 years ago

reality struck me

you were mine

your full, auburn hair

your deep dimples

you were mine

i still don't understand why

i'm so blessed that

you are mine

cautiously you watch

new situations

you are mine

ornery when tired

ornery when hungry

you are mine

always loving Daddy

needing your baby

you are mine

i can't imagine

life without you

you are mine

thank you for choosing

the right plan, for eternity

you are mine.

chapter 53 : i'm the Biggest

2007-12-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

i didn't finish painting my entry/hallway, clean or fold laundry like i should have, but with tears occasionally gracing my cheeks i watched the live season finale of The Biggest Loser. they drug it out a little long for the content they actually had, but it was really great to see the dramatic changes that most of the contestants made since the beginning of the show. i really wanted Julie to win, but thought that Bill would probably take it. he worked really hard and was really nice throughout the show, so i think he deserved it too. i am just glad that Amy and Isabeau didn't win...i wasn't their biggest fans.

chapter 52 : i can almost see the light...

2007-12-17T00:41:00.000-08:00

what are these you might ask? oh they're just a little something i like to call a pair of my pre-baby pants. can i get woot, woot from all the ladies who feel me on this issue? i decided one day to just try them and what do you know, they fit. i also am closer to my goal weight with only 15-20 more lbs. to still lose. yes they are a little tight, but i think it's one step in the right direction and is basically a miracle in and of itself...with all the chocolate i eat, this shouldn't be happening. plus i haven't worked out in a while so i can tell that my body needs it and my lower back is hurting again too, but hey let's not down play this for one second. let me bask in my moment. let me rejoice in my progress...now if i can just get the hips and tummy to cooperate too.
the last time i wore these pants was sometime in 2005 and if that's not a miracle then i don't know what is :)

chapter 51 : falling, faded and flamboyant

2007-12-17T00:27:00.000-08:00

with snow falling
i worry i have failed
you

despair sets in
i try not to share my
pain

music faded
too tired to think i
try

to let go
cry
hide
my shy yet flamboyant
sense of pride
inside my crazy
mind

sigh

is it too late to apologize?

chapter 50 : what i haven't really been working on lately

2007-12-17T00:04:00.001-08:00

oooh 50 posts. i should get a special prize or something ;) maybe someday i'll do giveaways like others...

i participated in a garland swap through sparkle power. we filled out some questions about ourselves, made a garland and sent a box full of goodies to our swap partner. this what i received. i love the soap and lotion so much. it was a fun activity to get ready for the holidays. i'll have to post picture of the stuff i sent after i get it off my camera.

the new fabric to attempt to make nursing covers out of. Taylie is now "feeding" her baby likes to wear mine so i want to make one for her.

i hope to also make a baby blanket out of these two...

the flower bows i tried to make for the girls' hair. i used scrapbooking brads in the middle that matched. i like the concept and they look cute in pigtails, but not just as a clip because they stick up too much. so hopefully in the future i can find some better flowers and some flatter clips.

i made this bow and stamped the paper as part of my friend's baby shower gift.
the baby shower spread. thanks to everyone who brought treats and came to celebrate.
my first blanket i sewed together. it is from a kit that has all of the materials and instructions with it. so that made it nice, but don't look.

chapter 49 : getting back on track...sort of

2007-12-16T23:46:00.000-08:00

while listening to Christmas classics and updating my family blog with 21 new posts from the past months (unfortunately i'm still not completely caught up :S) i decided i better show some updates here too.
i'm super excited to leave for Utah on Friday. even though i haven't decorated for the Christmas season like i hope to in the future, i am starting to finally catch the holiday spirit.
things i love about this time of year...

* another good reason to remember our Savior, Jesus Christ and all that he's done for us

* how people are more willing to give to others
* snow
* eggnog
* seeing family
* hot chocolate
* getting mail : Christmas cards
* seeing my girls beginning to enjoy holidays
* a fresh start at a new year
* being one step closer to spring, summer & SUN!

chapter 48 : all in favor

2007-12-16T16:22:00.000-08:00

if you love blogging, you'll love this too.

chapter 47 : i can help

2007-12-13T00:50:00.001-08:00

if you've commented on my blog and i haven't gotten back to you yet, will you please comment here and i will try to get to you asap. i've finally got my desk, computer and space back (hence the 12:50 am post) and i'm getting caught up on the family stuff so more to come here soon. i'm sure you can't wait ;)

thanks.

chapter 46 : so sorry

2007-11-28T14:47:00.000-08:00

so sorry to all of you who love my blog ;), but i'm going to have to take a little break and get caught up on my family space. i've been doing so great at my daily thankful thoughts, but i am so FAR behind with 2 cameras now. i also need to update my recent projects here too. will come back soon...hopefully. it all depends on tonights tv line up...

*b

chapter 45 : if only

2007-11-27T22:40:00.000-08:00

often, i am a person who lives in "if only" mode. there are many times that i get lost in thoughts of "what if i had ________ in stead of ________?" or "i should have done __________ before i did/had/became _________." the problem with all of this thinking is that it gets me no where.
there are many regrets in my life and i always wanted to be the girl without them. i became a "statistic" in many aspects of my life that i wish could be erased permanently, not only from my memory, but from the entire 1997-2001 student body of Delta High School. oh, and the different people in my life between the years of 2002-2004. to put it plainly...
i was very stupid!
so now with sorrow weighing heavy on my mind and sadness seeping from my heart, i admit i can't change my past. i wish i could change minute details of me now, which i'm not a huge fan of, that came from these previous experiences.

the lazy girl who watches way too much tv and knew it would be a problem.
the food addict who can't make herself stop sometimes.
the all or nothing thought process which clouds most of my thinking and ultimately inhibits me
from doing the things i should do for my husband, family and self. (i also make excuses)

today's not my favorite day nor my worst. maybe tomorrow will be better.

i'm grateful for those who inspire me to do better. i have a wonderful friend whose words often pop into my head which remind me of small things to do each day to be a better wife and mother. thank you dear friend for this, the play kitchen you gave us for the girls and all of your many wondeful gifts and talents.

chapter 44 : oh happy day

2007-11-26T22:14:00.000-08:00

tonight for my big 25 celebration, mr. clean sort-of surprised me with a dinner out without the girls. he had some of our great friends come and spend the evening with them while we went and after too. for dinner, i learned i don't like crab that much, but in a effort to go where i wanted to go he went somewhere he didn't...the crab pot. even though we didn't go for long, it was nice to have it just be us. i even got cheesecake to go, but will have to save it for later as our friends surprised me with a super yummy chocolate ice cream cake. can't go wrong there...no sir! so a HUGE thank you to everyone who made this day special for me. from emails and cards to im's and phone calls to babysitting and treats, i couldn't ask for better (unless someone can talk my husband into a puppy next year ;) ) the biggest thanks goes out to my wonderful husband for trying to surprise meand do something i want plus he got me the nicest, small digital camera on the market today (pictures of it to come in the future). thanks honey!

well on this joyous occasion, how can i not be grateful for ice cream cakes and birthdays. yum, yum, yum!

chapter 43 : being content with my job

2007-11-25T22:17:00.001-08:00

i'm grateful that i am able to stay home each day with my girls and be their full-time Mommy. although i'm definitely not the best at cleaning, cooking or the usually wife/mom stuff, i hope that the time i spend with my family is most important. i am also grateful for my loving husband's support of me doing this. i feel like there is no other place i should be than here each day.

chapter 42 : a little each day

2007-11-23T22:22:00.001-08:00

i'm grateful for counsel that i was given before we got married. someone told us that we should read something together each day. i can really see a difference in our marriage when we do this simple thing together.

chapter 41 : F Y eye

2007-11-23T11:43:00.001-08:00

just in case you were curious...

saw dan in real life last night. it was super great! just added it to my fave movies list. love steve carrell and it's pretty clean minus the 2 little risky parts.

i officially love roasted red pepper hummus with pita chips. now this is a huge stretch for me since i don't enjoy healthy food that much, but it's absolutely wonderful. i definitely prefer the trader joe's version over others and come to think of it, their pita chips are better too. oh and their flowers last the longest and are super inexpensive too.

still love my girls as much as ever. taylie is starting to speak in sentences and kylie is like a "baby buddah" when she goes from crawling to sitting. it's adorable.

i am so grateful for the health insurance that we have because of mr. clean's job. it's such a blessing to not have to worry about that on top of everything else in life or how we will pay for doctor's visits. we are truly blessed.

chapter 40 : almost talented

2007-11-22T22:26:00.001-08:00

i'm grateful for talents. i'm thankful for the opportunities that i have been given to learn so much and then be able to use it creatively or try anyway. it's amazing how at first we might not know the reason we are supposed to do things, but in the end the answer is made clear to us.
i have had lots of chances to help others with talents i have been given and hope that i can continue to do so throughout my life.

chapter 39 : almost traditionless

2007-11-21T23:13:00.000-08:00

today's thankful thought : i am grateful for the holiday season where we can relax and spend time with family and friends. even though we are still a young family without many traditions of our own yet, it is nice that can begin to enjoy this time of year together.

chapter 38 : understanding my normalcy

2007-11-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

today's thankful thought : earlier today, i went with one of my super great friends, the photographer behind this site and this blog, to check out a boutique in west seattle. beside getting lost several times and making it to the store about 10 minutes before close, i had so much fun getting out with her.
i am so grateful for people who i can share myself with and who i know understands me. it is such a blessing to have wonderful friends in my life now, in the past and hopefully more in the future who help me to know that i am normal (ok, well sort of ;) ). i am thankful that i can be myself, am accepted for it and that there are those who still want to spend time with me despite my flaws.

thank you to all of you who do this for me.

chapter 37 : pure sweetness

2007-11-20T00:20:00.000-08:00

today's thankful thought : i am so grateful for sweet & precious babies. i have been so blessed to have the two most beautiful girls. it is so amazing to be able to have these two wonderful little people in our home, lives and family. they make my world brighter, my life more meaningful and make me want to be a better person. i am truly blessed!

chapter 36 : anyone? anyone?

2007-11-18T20:34:00.001-08:00

is there anyone staying in the Eastside (Bellevue, Kirkland, Redmond) area that wants to get together for Thanksgiving? let us know if you would like to. we could bring a mean, store-bought anything for dinner ;)

chapter 35 : i know

2007-11-18T18:50:00.000-08:00

today's thankful thought : "The Prophet Joseph said at one time that one of the greatest sins of which the Latter-day Saints would be guilty is the sin of ingratitude.I presume most of us have not thought of that as a great sin. There is a great tendency for us in our prayers and in our pleadings with the Lord to ask for additional blessings. But sometimes I feel we need to devote more of our prayers to expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving for blessings already received."
my gratitude today is for my testimony of the true Gospel on the earth today (http://www.lds.org/) i am so thankful to be a member of my church and for the wondeful blessings i have in my life because of it. i am so grateful that because of the temple covenants i have made that i can have an eternal family. i am grateful for a loving and patient Heavenly Father who always blesses me in more ways than i could imagine. i am so grateful for an Elder brother, Jesus Christ, who prepared the way through the Atonement that we can be forgiven of our sins and return to our Heavenly Father's presence once again. i am thankful for the Holy Ghost who as a member of the Godhead can be with me at all times if i choose to live righteously and worthily of this amazing blessing. i am sincerely grateful for a prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, on the earth today who provides revelation from God in this day. i am grateful for true scriptures and that my prayers are heard and answered. i am grateful to be a daughter of God and blessed so abundantly.
i know all of this is true.
if you are interested in learning more, i would be happy to help you. it is the best thing you can add to your life. it will bring change, but most importantly it will bring peace through Jesus Christ.

chapter 34 : blogity blog blog blog...

2007-11-17T23:37:00.000-08:00

today's thankful thought : i am very grateful for blogging. not only has it opened my eyes to many wonderfully talented and amazing people in the world, but it helps keep track of my most important memories. i am thankful that blogging has combined my need for a journal and my affection for the computer. what a great forum for creativity, expression and being in other peoples' business...nothing but love for my fellow stalkers!

chapter 33 : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2007-11-16T23:46:00.001-08:00

today's thankful thought : i'm very grateful for sleep. speaking of...i'm going to catch me some now. night y'all!

chapter 32 : simplifying chaos

2007-11-15T22:49:00.000-08:00

tonight while playing one of my recent addictions, astropop, on the 360, my pre-carpal tunnel once again engulfed my wrists. then there was the Oprah episode on compulsive hoarding and the thought even crossed my mind today about how i don't ever want a larger home than we have now (like 1263 sq. ft.) because then that means that i have to decorate it and fill it with stuff. right now that sounds overwhelming and stressful.

i mean i can't even keep up with the jones' or the trumps' or the gates' now!

i've definitely not got the "balanced" part down yet. i can't pay for everything i want for my home, my girls, my wardrobe, my bazillion-barely touched hobbies and also pacify my husbands desires for toys too (he's really not bad at all). i can't buy presents for everyone, make special gifts for all of my friends and also make my home beautiful. plus then how do i also stay up on emergency preparedness, all the classes i want to take with the girls and drive a nice car too? oh and there's that little part about serving and giving of my time and talents to bless the lives of others. it's all pretty overwhelming.
basically even though i want to be that girl that looks like she has it all, i'm realizing more and more that it's all just stuff and i need to try harder to live within my means. my girls need that. my husband needs that.

i need to stop overindulging my life and start simplifying my soul. i need to realize that my life is full and fulfilling on its own without temporal things. i need to remember the difference between true needs and wants. (remind me of this post next time you see my full cart at Target!)

today's thankful thought : today i am so grateful for my extremely sweet, let's me sleep in late in the morning, gets up with our oldest daughter each day, husband's excitement in life. whether it's the new paintball gun he's redoing, his love for his job or the latest 12 games coming out this holiday season, his display of enthusiasm for life is so wonderful and invigorating. not only does he make me smile (which is usually not shown outwardly...i'm an emotion showing dork), but he loves our girls and is so amazed at the precious characteristics about them. he often comments on how blessed we are to have them. i love you honey and "that's what she said!" ;)

chapter 31 : alleviating evening spending

2007-11-14T23:04:00.001-08:00

recently, thoughts of "how i should use my time appropriately" have been gracing brainwaves. i have many things i would like to do or at least attempt in my lifetime, but most of them come down to time and money of course. i am often trying to come up with the perfect work-from-home job that i could do in the evenings. if i could find something like this, it would alleviate at least two issues. #1 : i would use my time purposefully and #2: my husband wouldn't be stressed by my spending habits if i brought in a little cash.
problem solved? perhaps, but it will take some time to get into it. and if it's the right thing, you'll definitely hear about it in the future.

today's thankful thought : i am so grateful this day to be able to stay home with my children and watch them blossom before my eyes each day. i am so grateful to my husband for allowing me the privilege to fulfill this greatest opportunity of my life. it is so amazing to know how much Heavenly Father loves you by the blessings he gives you. i could never imagine having a greater and more fulfilling calling in my life than to be the mother and wife to my wonderful family.

chapter 30 : snapdragon, yellow & rocky road. huh?

2007-11-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

so apparently i am a snapdragon. it totally surprised me cuz i don't really feel like it fits me at all.

I am a
Snapdragon

What Flower
Are You?

"Mischief is your middle name, but your first is friend. You are quite the prankster that loves to make other people laugh."

then there's the yellow crayon weirdness...

You Are a Yellow Crayon

Your world is colored with happy, warm, fun colors.
You have a thoughtful and wise way about you. Some people might even consider you a genius.
Charming and eloquent, you are able to get people to do things your way.
While you seem spontaneous and free wheeling, you are calculating to the extreme.

Your color wheel opposite is purple. You both are charismatic leaders, but purple people act like you have no depth.

What Color Crayon Are You?

and who can leave out which flavor of ice cream i am? i don't even really like choclate ice cream at all. go figure!

chapter 29 : GRattitude

2007-11-13T23:11:00.000-08:00

tonight i attended my Relief Society Holiday Dinner. i had a great time chatting with friends, eating yummy food and listening to wonderful messages. the theme centered on GRATITUDE and it made me think of ways that i need to improve so i thought that i could use this as my forum to try and write one thing that i am grateful for each day. hopefully this way i will post a lot more and also i will remind myself of how truly blessed i am.

today's thankful thought : i am so grateful for new friends today. to get to know one of them better go here. (Alicia...hope you have a great time on your trip and that you got all packed tonight. i'm glad that B didn't get kicked off the Biggest Loser tonight. let's get together and watch it when your back in town. i'm so glad to have another crafty, blogstalking buddy)

chapter 28 : i'm it

2007-11-12T22:39:00.000-08:00

six things you probably never knew about me, well some of you might know them. what to tell that most people don't already know? thanks to Linds for the tag.

1. Lamb Day...
for most of my childhood, i grew up next door to my great-grandparents in a super small town called Ftn. Green, Utah. i have many memories of growing up there, but one thing that you can't not know about is Lamb Day. during this middle of July, yearly celebration, many festivities are held. most of them are common to small town traditional celebrations like a parade, talent show, games at the park and a softball tournament, but there is one even that most people don't have...a sheep show. like a dog show, when i would show (not to be confused with sheering) a lamb, i would be judged on it. my lamb was like my pet that i was supposed to train and get ready for the show each year. we actually put quite a bit of work into it. at the end of the show, people would purchase our lambs and we would get the money. if you're ever in Utah, head down to Lamb Day and get yourself a hot lamb sandwich...

2. i LOVE orbit sweet mint gum. it's AMAZING!!!

3. i LOVE good surprises a lot. my husband can never keep a secret from me and so i always know everything before i'm supposed to. i definitely could use a good surprise soon Honey...hint hint ;)

4. i hardly ever laugh at entertainment like movies or tv. even if i think something is funny, there is rarely a time that i will laugh at it. occasionally when there is a great line in the office, i watch "who's line is it anyway" or if i see the "little Jerry Seinfeld" episode where Kramer gets a rooster, then i will laugh, but it's not too often that i really do.

5. i really want to find one hobby that i love and stick to it. i keep trying tons of new things and like all of them a little bit, but i want to find one that i love.

6. i have one stinkin' cute family. ok so you already knew that, but it's true. see for you yourself here.

and tag, you're it...michelle, sariah, amanda bailey, amanda jones, ashley lunt, tatum, mr. clean, joanne and anyone else who reads this :)

chapter 27 : diapers and drugs

2007-11-08T12:42:00.000-08:00

each year at my husband's work they have a giving tree. if you would like to, you can choose a tag from the tree and purchase the item on it for someone in need. we have participated each year, but this year our hearts broke.
one tag was requesting things for a 1 year old child. the parent who needs this wasn't asking for toys or stuff that is commonplace to most of us, but they asked for diapers.
with tears filling my eyes at this moment, as a mother and human being, i can't imagine having that be my wish for my child at Christmas...diapers. how selfish am i each day to not remember how blessed i truly am? how ungrateful am i to not give more of my monetary blessings as well as my time to those who have less than i?
last year we had a similar experience. some tags were asking for gift cards so that elderly people could be able to get their prescriptions filled. my heart aches to realize again how much we truly have and yet we always want more and better.
i guess when i don't see something i don't remember its there and that is how i am about what others need around me.
too often i think we are too worried about how someone might use our help. perhaps we shouldn't waste our time on what they might do with what we give and instead focus on just giving.
this holiday season and in the future, i hope that i can be more aware of how much i have and more willing to give. after all, isn't that what Christ would want us to do? He would want us to give of ourselves without thought of ourselves. who am i to not do better?
i have so much. i can buy my children diapers (the expensive ones at that), we get our prescriptions covered 100%, and we still have money to buy what we want.
my heart aches...

chapter 26 : here we go again...

2007-11-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

i'm in a slump, a huge SLUMP.
i don't have too many complaints except for one. i at that time again where i have no motivation for much (hence the lack of posts). i haven't been wanting to do or doing much of anything but wasting my time. so i apologize to the readers, though they may be few, who actually read my blog.
i realize quite often how my girls will not be tiny for very long and i want to hold on to each moment and them while i can and yet my little Bug will soon be 2. it's gone so quickly and it's not fair to them that their Mommy is not capturing the memories of their childhood.
shoot.
i want more sunlight!
it's time to pick up the slack, tell the clouds and rain to shove it and move forward.
hopefully more coming soon...

chapter 25 : just let them be

2007-10-23T20:19:00.003-07:00

my oldest daughter is very cautious in new situations and around new people. as a Mom, i want her to be outgoing, respond to people who talk to her and smile too. i find myself wanting her to be like the other kids in the group at the library who are singing, dancing and showing the fun they're having rather than just staring at everyone. i think, "what is she doing?" and i even tell her to be like everyone else. i selfishly want to show the world how adorable she is and all of the cute things she does at home. i need to stop and relish in how positive this cautiousness actually is.
the ironic part that hit me today is how much she is like me. i'm definitely not a shy person, but in a new situation, i can be quiet until i feel more comfortable and maybe less judged and we're both very analytical.
she takes time to warm up and be comfortable and i should be grateful for that. i should be glad that she isn't running around talking to everyone we see. i should be thankful that she isn't so comfortable with strangers that she will just go with them. i should be happy that my child wants safety and stability and she doesn't immediately find that in an uncomfortable or strange new situation.
i think of the many lessons which i want to teach my children, one stands out at this moment. i want them to be who they are and NEVER be afraid of it. i want them to be confident and happy. i never want them to feel ashamed for their character traits that make them individuals. i want to just let them be and never ever cause them to doubt who they are.
i want this for them so much because i know what it is like to feel this way and can't imagine putting that on my children. i love my girls so much and love their differences as well as their sweet smiles.
i am also so grateful that i am recognizing this at this moment and enjoying WHO my child is. she isn't bad, weird and nothing is wrong with her. she is cautious and for that, i'm grateful.

chapter 24 : swinging moon

2007-10-23T20:19:00.001-07:00

today was
beautiful.

the moon on the left.
the sun on the right.
my girls enjoying the swings in the warm afternoon.

it was one's first time to see that nightly sphere
and the other's first time to enjoy that swaying motion outdoors.

i felt blessed.
i felt grateful.
i loved my husband more deeply.

today was
beautiful.

chapter 23 : the lack thereof

2007-10-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

i'm tired. recently, i've been staying up too late doing nothing of any real meaning. my eyes want to close, but i keep them open with invisible toothpicks and lots of blinks.
then truth slaps me in the face:
I HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL.
this also eludes to the fact that the more sleep i get, the nicer and more kind i am. poor Husband! moving onto my next point...if it's edible, sweet and in front of me, my brain thinks i must eat it. unfortuanetly, my still puffified, baby belly, butt and thighs know otherwise and you know that i don't look good in anything form fitting any more.
but what to do? i know in my mind that i shouldn't eat junk, but i can't stop myself. i have plenty of motivation, but it all goes out the window when the special treat is in front of me. i have a problem, ok many problems...
i can't control my eating habits
i can't control my sleeping schedule
i can't control my shopping addiction
i'm tired.
no white at this time in life, only black and the hole is getting deep!

chapter 22 : here kitty kitty

2007-10-16T23:08:00.001-07:00

so i thought i would be brave and try making a blanket from one of the kits that comes with the material and instructions. i don't even like cats, but this one had the cutest colors and materials for one of the girls to have. i'm not finished yet, but so far so good.