chapter 121 : a picnic for 2 princesses

sorry for the blurry picture.  this was the girls and my lunch today.  it was the perfect picnic for my 2 little princesses.  we ate it on our patio on the "little" table.  the sharp cheddar was especially delicious as were the strawberries and pepper.  the hummus was unfortunately a sad disappointment due to me not realizing that is was bad before trying to put it with our spread.

after another appointment with my beloved new naturopath, Dr. Vivian (who i once accidentally called another doctor's name...that's another story), i'm really feeling the URGENCY for change.  of course my "natural woman" is not really up for the challenge, but for the sake of my health, my weight and most importantly for my family to get into better habits for life-long change, i have slowly made some HUGE changes to our diet and my overall life.  here's the run-down for the new way to live or attempt anyway :

* remembering that i do so much better on a rigorous schedule : bed by 10:30 (dang Olympics), eating less sugar, drinking more water, working out staying spiritually in tune/trying to stay spiritually in tune, living and love the moment for what it is

* life is choices and each one either leads to a better, more happy life or it doesn't.  i can either eat good for the right reasons or enjoy that Oreo blizzard and regret it afterward, etc.  i can either spend money on ________ or i can't not seek for riches and material possessions that really don't matter anyway.  if a flood came and i saw my big screen bobbing up and down in the water and floating by me, would i be grateful that i spent my money on it or wish that i had put it into food storage instead?  everything is choices!

* it feels good to let go, simplify and not hoard things, past experiences (negative) and to just try to live a "cleaner" life.

* stop being so idle!  not turning on/relying on the TV during the day.  the girls do so much better, listen better and i think they don't break down as much during the day.  i'm reconvinced of my feelings from the past...TV really is not a good thing, especially for small children. 

* trying to do better at cleaning and keeping up on my house.  trying to do more service along the way instead of wasting time.

* remembering : i am truly blessed!

 

some major food changes we've recently made are :

* beef hamburger : ground turkey...so YUMMY!

* peanut butter : almond butter (mr. clean won't give up the Jiff though)

* vanilla/fruit yogurt : plain yogurt

* cow's milk : oat/soy/rice milk and some cow's milk, don't really want all of those scary rGBH's

* sugar and processed foods : lots of fruits and veggies

* juice : water

* adding in lots of supplements for myself and the girls (mr. clean's not quite convinced of this new regiment yet).  for the girls, just cod liver oil/dha's, but for me...fish oil, vitamin d, GAMA, vitamin B complex, thyroid support, L-Tryptophan, fiber, yummy rice protein and energy extract as needed.

* also trying to not eat later at night and wanting to start getting back into dance at least twice a week too.  it's really my only way to motivate myself to keep working out.

 

so for now, all of this is going well and really doesn't feel overwhelmed.  i'm sure we will be spending more $ on food as we are eating lots more fresh produce, but i really believe that it will all be worth it as i hope my girls will grow up learning to love healthy food, not craving unhealthy stuff and will avoid a lot of the autoimmune/health issues that run in my family.  for them to be well-balanced, happy people in all areas of their life would is one of the greatest things i want for my children.  so i'm really hoping this is a great start...

yours truly.

chapter 118 : grrrrr...i don't even know what to say

sometimes life sucks. yesterday and today have been exactly that for me : sucky!

i'm tired of there always being a "problem" in my life. i'm tired of never being happy. i'm tired of my life being the way it is. i'm tired of always seeking approval from sources that really don't matter. i'm tired of my mind lying to me. i'm tired of doubting myself and i'm tired of how extreme everything is in my life.

EVERYTHING is ALWAYS a BIG deal and i'm soso, so TIRED of it!

i feel so bad for mr. clean and my girls to have to live with me. i'm so over-the-top...too much...nazi-ish all the time. i'm sick of it.

i sincerely want to change, but i'm at a loss right now. i feel like if i could really SIMPLIFY my life then things would get better, but of course i lack the motivation to start doing that.

hoping things look up later today and the sun comes back too...

yours truly.

chapter 116 : oh blessed sunshine. how i adore you...

honestly, sunday was a hard day for me. father's day! let's just say that i am so grateful for my mr. clean who is such a good Daddy. my girls are so blessed to have him.
i'm still not over some issues in my past and sometimes they haunt me on a daily basis. i'm not sure if i will ever be over them. at this point, i can't imagine releasing that hurt and filling it up with something else. it just doesn't seem fathomable to me at this stage in my life. so like i learned to do so well in the past, i will just keep acting like nothing is going on because the people has to do with, don't care anyway. who i am and what i do doesn't really matter to them and i don't know if i'll ever understand that. to be ok with that makes me feel like i've lost hope or something.
after my last post though, i feel like i MUST head back to a more positive direction. i just want to share how grateful i am to a most kind and loving Heavenly Father who is ALWAYS so mindful of me and my little family. i am so thankful that mr. clean and i have ALWAYS been so BLESSED financially...not that we're wealthy to most around us, but compared to many in the world, i know we are. unfortunately though i know that i take it for granted and so i am so thankful when i see the ways which His hand intercedes and helps guide us so we are taken care of. paying tithing and fast offerings truly protect and bless lives.
i am also so grateful for the health of my family. even though mr. clean has chronic back pain and does more than he should to help me without hardly any complaint, we have been so blessed. both of our girls have had basically no major sicknesses or problems their entire pregnancies and lives and i truly hope that they will always stay this way and always stay safe. unfortunately today, my new doctor called and told me that my blood tests show that i have Hashimoto's thyroiditis (like Hypothyroidism). if this is truly the case, then it potentially could explain a lot about what i have experienced for a long time. it is an autoimmune disease and among different ways to treat it are taking medication for the rest of my life. my heart was heavy this afternoon as i wasted my time watching tv and eating to comfort myself.
i don't even think i'm going to tell certain "important" people in my life though. i don't think they care enough about me that i don't want their sympathy in this regard. we'll see though. i'll probably end up telling them in hopes that they will truly care about me, but in the end i will probably just be let down again, saddened by their lack of true concern and love for me.

anyways...i'm truly am so grateful for the many ways i have been blessed in my life and pray that most of all, my children will be safe, happy and taught to stay close to their Heavenly Father.

yours truly.

p.s. we got more emergency food items for our 72 hour kits today. i'm so excited because it's one less thing for me to have to worry about...

chapter 115 : at least i've got Wilson or maybe i can find one this summer at a yard sale anyway...

i am overwhelmed!

from the outrageous price of gas and food to the constant weight of knowing i need to get my family food storage and emergency essentials together. then there is the constant dismal weather that keeps gracing my days (thankfully we saw the sun this afternoon!). it's all feeling TOO MUCH!
i SO need a vacation, but could never justify the money it would cost when there are so many other things we need to get "just in case." all of the pressure i feel makes me end up wanting to do nothing, sleep too much and not answer my phone. shoot...you got to know it's bad when i stopped keeping up with the blogging world in Google Reader or checking Freecycle for the unwanted items i can drive mr. clean crazy with by cluttering my home even more. in fact i feel a need to get rid of things...something must really be going on.
then i think of what it was like growing up with a bi-polar Dad and cringe and feel defeated because i yelled at my girls too much today (i can hardly believe with my past that i even yell at my sweet babies at all)! i NEVER want to be like the two "fathers" i had and yet it's almost like i'm destined for it.
i haven't cried yet, but feel like i'm on the verge sometimes throughout the day. i'm going to give myself credit for the "sort of" clean that i did in my house today. it was my attempt to overlook the couple of hours of tv i watched in the afternoon and the QUALITY attention that i FAILED to give my precious girls. i was a BAD Mom today for sure.
i'm so lacking in motivation and can't bring myself to be excited about even finishing my giveaway projects. sorry recipients...pray for sunshine!

hoping tomorrow is better and that i don't feel like i'm stranded on a deserted island...

yours truly.

chapter 97 : move along, move along like i know you [need to] do...

recently i had to give someone a gift. with the gifts, i included a card and had one of the most DIFFICULT times of my life figuring out what to write in it.
it was very hard because i have a deep history with this person and should be able to conjure up many wonderful words of "miss you's" or "hope to see you soon," but i just couldn't bring myself to be dishonest in that fashion. before you go on thinking, "Wow, she's a HUGE brat!" let me say that first i probably am not the nicest person ever even though i try to be and always find myself realizing that my motivation almost completely lies in selfish regard although i don't mean for it to be that way. and secondly, probably the most important piece of information needing to make sense of this verbage is the fact that the older (yeah 25 is getting up there ;) ) i get the more i realize that i don't need certain people in my life and i really want to continue distancing myself from my past in a VAST way.
i am grateful for many lessons and people who influenced me in the past to make me who i am today, but honestly, much of that PRIOR life just brings drama, renumeration about being stuck in emotional high school/middle school/abusive family & home life hell, and relationships with people who aren't capable to give me what i really need in a relationship with them. basically it's all really depressing to me as the longer i hold onto wanting something i can't have the longer and more painfully it continues to hurt as i will never understand why certain people don't behave the way they "should" because of the role they are in.
okay so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...i know, but what i'm trying to get at is that while i had a hard time with this card situation, i got thinking that i'm getting closer and closer to moving forward in my life with greater purpose and drive and that i really don't need those people in my life who don't really care about me.

IF RELATIONSHIPS ARE TOXIC or SOMEONE REALLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE then be smarter than me and DROP THEM LIKE THEIR "HOT!"

yeah, yeah...easier said that done, but at least i'm recognizing it. the time is soon approaching for change...if only i had some MAJOR courage!

yours truly.

chapter 96 : this n' that

right now i am so LOVING :

* being creative...making baby blankets, clips, pillowcases, etc. (pictures to come)
* dancing again
* my family
* i saw the sun today if only for a brief period
* the many ways i'm exercising my talents
* that my color printer FINALLY has ink once again thanks to the cheap deal on eBay
* Cirque du Soleil very soon
* fresh fruit
* the SUPER cute tin box of fabric that i got for 50% off
* the new, little wooden bird i got...so cute!!!
* my sewing machine

i am currently not IN LOVE with :

* my lack of patience
* rain
* not being able to attend Jacqueline's dance class at least twice a week
* bedtime
* when people share inappropriate, personal information
* feeling guilty
* still not knowing my "place" in life
* bad timing
* my "muffin-top" :(
* being hungry, but nothing sounding good

yours truly.

chapter 93 : i'm on S-T-R-I-K-E!

dear weather,

i want you to know that i am really starting to despise you! it was bad enough that i have to endure "seattle" dreariness during a great part of the year, but now you've GONE too far! i NEVER know what to wear, what to think or what temperature i should set my thermostat to. one minute your snowing and church is cancelled, then you shoot up to a BEAUTIFUL 85 degrees where i can see the light at the end of this winter hole and almost ALL of my wildest dreams are coming true and then you, you BLASTED weather you, snow and hail on us by the following sat.
what is one to make of all of this chaos? what is a poor girl to do? i don't want to give up on summer, but i've just about pulled out the BIG GUNS, called up HAWAII and made a treaty to kick your booty where the sun don't shine...LITERALLY.
don't give up just yet though. there is still one way to win my heart back, but it includes the following : SUN, the beach and perfect, warm temperatures until NOV. got that?

all my love and wrath,

yours truly.

chapter 91 : reflecting upon my reflection

today i talked with one of my great friends. she never ceases to inspire and amaze me. during our conversation, i shared a recent experience i had where i learned A LOT about paying attention to the Spirit and acting upon those feelings. toward the end of our chat, i told her that she was lucky that she didn't know me like 10 years ago and later i found myself reflecting upon my own reflection in the mirror.
the person i was about 8 years ago and who i am now are two very different people. in many ways, i am who i always have been because i know that personality is something that isn't CHANGED very easily if at all, but i also truly hope that i am someone BETTER.
as i look back, i think i always look for an explanation for the choices i made.
honestly, i'm NOT over them completely either!
but i also find hope in the future.

i find it interesting though that when i'm critical of others, not as forgiving of faults as i should be or my thinking turns to placing myself higher than others (all of which i wish wasn't part of me), i often realize how HYPOCRITICAL i am. who am i to think _________ about someone when the things i do, the ways i act or the words i speak are probably often the same as what i'm condemning.

my heart is truly heavy at this moment and i feel overwhelmed by my inadequacies. i feel strained by my weaknesses. i feel burdened by the small sins i commit that prohibit me from truly acting like Jesus Christ in my life.

i know this moment will pass and i will feel this way again in the future, but i hope that next time i will think before i open my mouth.

yours truly.

chapter 86 : screaming through my follicles

so today while doing my hair...i actually have been straightening it the past couple of days...i know, i know, a miracle. back to the point! as i was almost done, i noticed something. a bad something! i'm going to call it champagne blonde, but it was basically a white/very light blonde looking hair. i pulled it out immediately as if i would be electrocuted in 5 seconds if i didn't get out of my scalp. i think NERVOUS BREAKDOWN thought about creeping into my 5 minute beauty routine at that point. my Mom started going gray in her early 30's and so now i'm a little worried. i'm really hoping it was a fluke, but holy crap...i'm too young to support clairol through a $7 bottle of dye a week.

yours truly.

chapter 85 : soaking it in

both girls are sleeping (woohoo!) and instead of doing all that i should around the house, i'm...
* vegging while taking my time to fold one of the 5 or 6 batches of laundry we did this past weekend
* soaking up the rays coming in through my window...yes sunshine in seattle
* relishing in how blessed i am this day
* loving my husband on his birthday
* getting "caught up" through google reader
* loving this moment

yours truly.