chapter 1: the almost turning point

I sit here frustrated, ashamed, saddened by what I have not done with my life. I'm jealous of those who do not fear creativity and rise to the challenge. I'm envious of people who are themselves and show the world. I crave realness. I want to be more.
I'm 24 years old, married, the mother of two and do not know what I want out of life, who I am or who I want to become. I've wasted so much time trying to be what I percieve others want. I see things so black and white that I am left without room to explore the good, kind, nice things in life. Why is it not "ok" for me to enjoy life like everyone else? Why must I be entitiled to everything or severely suffer. What is Balance and where do I find it?
I want so much more and yet it still remains that I sit idly by and do nothing.
So what do I really fear? Actual succession? Facing myself and my faults? Finally accepting that I'm not perfect in every aspect I wish (you know my great imperfections well if you know me). I want to show my girls that you can have anything you want out of life, but I'm not that person yet.
Why am I so satisfied with so little?
Rather than just being, I want to change the world.
There is a small part of me that is ready to change, to jump, leap and fall into this new being and still I feel the fear like the last second before a car crash. Perhaps on my top 10 list of shortcomings, COURAGE, and I'm definitely feeling the lack of it now!