chapter 45 : if only

often, i am a person who lives in "if only" mode. there are many times that i get lost in thoughts of "what if i had ________ in stead of ________?" or "i should have done __________ before i did/had/became _________." the problem with all of this thinking is that it gets me no where.
there are many regrets in my life and i always wanted to be the girl without them. i became a "statistic" in many aspects of my life that i wish could be erased permanently, not only from my memory, but from the entire 1997-2001 student body of Delta High School. oh, and the different people in my life between the years of 2002-2004. to put it plainly...
i was very stupid!
so now with sorrow weighing heavy on my mind and sadness seeping from my heart, i admit i can't change my past. i wish i could change minute details of me now, which i'm not a huge fan of, that came from these previous experiences.

the lazy girl who watches way too much tv and knew it would be a problem.
the food addict who can't make herself stop sometimes.
the all or nothing thought process which clouds most of my thinking and ultimately inhibits me
from doing the things i should do for my husband, family and self. (i also make excuses)

today's not my favorite day nor my worst. maybe tomorrow will be better.

i'm grateful for those who inspire me to do better. i have a wonderful friend whose words often pop into my head which remind me of small things to do each day to be a better wife and mother. thank you dear friend for this, the play kitchen you gave us for the girls and all of your many wondeful gifts and talents.