chapter 58 : ummm...yeah

by about 11:30 pm, my madness
begins
to make sense.

and i fight between the slumber
i desperately need
and the few moments
i truly have
alone.

constant reflecting plagues my mind
as i drift into fantasy about
who or
what or
why or
what really matters
and how i often
despise
who i am.

it's ironically funny that i often preach
about allowing others to change
and yet a hypocrit i remain,
holding onto agony and pain
vainly created by
me
while always dishonestly believing that
it will be made right in the end.

i just know that i don't want to
become
my past, like advisors or an idle being
who wastes themselves in unimportance.

once again tired, i hope my mind
will be able to rest as i desperately
try to embrace
tangibility
and overcome my deep feelings of wrong
and despair
and being uncomfortable in what should be
one of my most beautiful positions in life.

to just have the desire to touch you
and never let go
and be in love like they were the other night.
i crave it and yet the motivation
needed
fails me.

i must continue despite my flaws
and insecurities and with heavy lids
i don't accept this part of what is
because
it's too much to overlook.

i'm sorry for my consistent problem causing.
i know how else to be, but just can't make myself do it.