chapter 118 : grrrrr...i don't even know what to say

sometimes life sucks. yesterday and today have been exactly that for me : sucky!

i'm tired of there always being a "problem" in my life. i'm tired of never being happy. i'm tired of my life being the way it is. i'm tired of always seeking approval from sources that really don't matter. i'm tired of my mind lying to me. i'm tired of doubting myself and i'm tired of how extreme everything is in my life.

EVERYTHING is ALWAYS a BIG deal and i'm soso, so TIRED of it!

i feel so bad for mr. clean and my girls to have to live with me. i'm so over-the-top...too much...nazi-ish all the time. i'm sick of it.

i sincerely want to change, but i'm at a loss right now. i feel like if i could really SIMPLIFY my life then things would get better, but of course i lack the motivation to start doing that.

hoping things look up later today and the sun comes back too...

yours truly.

chapter 117 : it's double true

i'm a blogging LOSER! no posting in over a month. lucky you! lots of things have been going on lately and will have to try and catch up sometime. lacking motivation once again, but we'll see what i start doing more of now.

been LOVING the SUNSHINE and i try to leave my house as often as possible. been trying to go to bed at the latest by 10:30. totally not tonight! been doing better at spending less overall. works best if i don't have possession of my little, blue friend, mr. Chase Visa. been feeling socially inept...what's new! been eating too much and working out WAY too little. been loving taking pictures and aching for an 85mm/1.8 lens. been trying to be more grateful, enjoying each moment and trying to YELL less. been LOVING my family and checking one more HUGE one off my list...we "adopted!" and since i am totally the type of friend that everyone has that is always complaining about $, but always spends anyway, i've been totally relishing in this :

without further ado...mr. clean finally agreed/gave into me/felt sorry that cosemtology school didn't work/is more worried about her than i am most of the time/loves me so much...

i present Miss

isn't she so stinking adorable???

cleaning up lots of this (ok, not relishing in this...) :

wasting time on (only some of the culprits) :
* the Bachelorette finale. poor Jason...my home town boy lost!
* playing zone games. got my free online Catan subscription again...oh no!
* finally reading my scriptures again and trying to do those "small" things of "great" importance.

overcoming :
* my almost entrance into cosmetology school. the direct inspiration that i can NEVER deny said, "NO! Now is not time. Maybe it will never be time. You NEED to have more faith."

i was so grateful! in that moment, i was LOVED and i knew it. although i really didn't deserve it, i received it and that was more than i could have asked for.
(Thank YOU for keeping your promises and always giving when i ask!)

more posts to come sometime in the future (distant or far).

peace out.

yours truly.

chapter 116 : oh blessed sunshine. how i adore you...

honestly, sunday was a hard day for me. father's day! let's just say that i am so grateful for my mr. clean who is such a good Daddy. my girls are so blessed to have him.
i'm still not over some issues in my past and sometimes they haunt me on a daily basis. i'm not sure if i will ever be over them. at this point, i can't imagine releasing that hurt and filling it up with something else. it just doesn't seem fathomable to me at this stage in my life. so like i learned to do so well in the past, i will just keep acting like nothing is going on because the people has to do with, don't care anyway. who i am and what i do doesn't really matter to them and i don't know if i'll ever understand that. to be ok with that makes me feel like i've lost hope or something.
after my last post though, i feel like i MUST head back to a more positive direction. i just want to share how grateful i am to a most kind and loving Heavenly Father who is ALWAYS so mindful of me and my little family. i am so thankful that mr. clean and i have ALWAYS been so BLESSED financially...not that we're wealthy to most around us, but compared to many in the world, i know we are. unfortunately though i know that i take it for granted and so i am so thankful when i see the ways which His hand intercedes and helps guide us so we are taken care of. paying tithing and fast offerings truly protect and bless lives.
i am also so grateful for the health of my family. even though mr. clean has chronic back pain and does more than he should to help me without hardly any complaint, we have been so blessed. both of our girls have had basically no major sicknesses or problems their entire pregnancies and lives and i truly hope that they will always stay this way and always stay safe. unfortunately today, my new doctor called and told me that my blood tests show that i have Hashimoto's thyroiditis (like Hypothyroidism). if this is truly the case, then it potentially could explain a lot about what i have experienced for a long time. it is an autoimmune disease and among different ways to treat it are taking medication for the rest of my life. my heart was heavy this afternoon as i wasted my time watching tv and eating to comfort myself.
i don't even think i'm going to tell certain "important" people in my life though. i don't think they care enough about me that i don't want their sympathy in this regard. we'll see though. i'll probably end up telling them in hopes that they will truly care about me, but in the end i will probably just be let down again, saddened by their lack of true concern and love for me.

anyways...i'm truly am so grateful for the many ways i have been blessed in my life and pray that most of all, my children will be safe, happy and taught to stay close to their Heavenly Father.

yours truly.

p.s. we got more emergency food items for our 72 hour kits today. i'm so excited because it's one less thing for me to have to worry about...

chapter 114 : slice n' dice to save our lives...

recently after another trip to Target for things we "need" and in order to save us financially, mr. clean did the following to my credit card...
he totally didn't do this behind my back, to be mean and/or abusive or out of anger, (he is so NOT any of those things) he did it because he loves me and to help our family. i honestly know that i NEEDED to do it for so long, but was holding onto how spending makes me feel...exhilarated then depressed. beside food, it has become my way to deal with stress which of course only creates more stress and i think its even harder because i rarely spend much on myself.

now we are trying to do better with only spending cash, not using the car so often and really living with our means. i know it's a good idea to listen to the Prophet and other church leaders, but i think it's definitely time we start acting on it.

yours truly.

(picture from here)

chapter 113 : awful news...

mr. clean told me today that he heard that we aren't going to get sunshine in the Seattle area until like July 17th. i don't know if i'm going to make it without sunshine til then. it's killing me.

yours truly.

chapter 97 : move along, move along like i know you [need to] do...

recently i had to give someone a gift. with the gifts, i included a card and had one of the most DIFFICULT times of my life figuring out what to write in it.
it was very hard because i have a deep history with this person and should be able to conjure up many wonderful words of "miss you's" or "hope to see you soon," but i just couldn't bring myself to be dishonest in that fashion. before you go on thinking, "Wow, she's a HUGE brat!" let me say that first i probably am not the nicest person ever even though i try to be and always find myself realizing that my motivation almost completely lies in selfish regard although i don't mean for it to be that way. and secondly, probably the most important piece of information needing to make sense of this verbage is the fact that the older (yeah 25 is getting up there ;) ) i get the more i realize that i don't need certain people in my life and i really want to continue distancing myself from my past in a VAST way.
i am grateful for many lessons and people who influenced me in the past to make me who i am today, but honestly, much of that PRIOR life just brings drama, renumeration about being stuck in emotional high school/middle school/abusive family & home life hell, and relationships with people who aren't capable to give me what i really need in a relationship with them. basically it's all really depressing to me as the longer i hold onto wanting something i can't have the longer and more painfully it continues to hurt as i will never understand why certain people don't behave the way they "should" because of the role they are in.
okay so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...i know, but what i'm trying to get at is that while i had a hard time with this card situation, i got thinking that i'm getting closer and closer to moving forward in my life with greater purpose and drive and that i really don't need those people in my life who don't really care about me.

IF RELATIONSHIPS ARE TOXIC or SOMEONE REALLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE then be smarter than me and DROP THEM LIKE THEIR "HOT!"

yeah, yeah...easier said that done, but at least i'm recognizing it. the time is soon approaching for change...if only i had some MAJOR courage!

yours truly.

chapter 93 : i'm on S-T-R-I-K-E!

dear weather,

i want you to know that i am really starting to despise you! it was bad enough that i have to endure "seattle" dreariness during a great part of the year, but now you've GONE too far! i NEVER know what to wear, what to think or what temperature i should set my thermostat to. one minute your snowing and church is cancelled, then you shoot up to a BEAUTIFUL 85 degrees where i can see the light at the end of this winter hole and almost ALL of my wildest dreams are coming true and then you, you BLASTED weather you, snow and hail on us by the following sat.
what is one to make of all of this chaos? what is a poor girl to do? i don't want to give up on summer, but i've just about pulled out the BIG GUNS, called up HAWAII and made a treaty to kick your booty where the sun don't shine...LITERALLY.
don't give up just yet though. there is still one way to win my heart back, but it includes the following : SUN, the beach and perfect, warm temperatures until NOV. got that?

all my love and wrath,

yours truly.

chapter 80 : like duh...

tonight we went out for mr. clean's birthday. can you believe it? he's going to be 28 on monday. since i graduated high school, time has continued to move at the speed of light.
sometimes the more i talk with people, the more i realize how little others actually might know me and how little i still know myself.
guess there's always tomorrow to find out more...

yours truly.

chapter 79 : alone

surrounded by many
wistful conversations buzzing around
my head.

noticing, paying attention, realizing
that my journey isn't like most.

worry and fear drive my actions
while never truly allowed to just
be.

i wish i could let it all go...

engrained unconsciously
are the traits which i hate to possess.
they lead me and drive me and lie to me
day in and day out.

they steal the enjoyment that i long
for and the peace
i sincerely crave.

i could blame them
but why?

who would i be without it?

chapter 78 : paralyzed

blindsided, paralyzed
by my own mind

thoughts
travel
through time
tracing
tearful tries

and hypocrital lies
that deny
my inside
to be made fully
whole.

my tangible being tired
my intangible soul
slipping,
sliding,
gliding,
diving,
riding
the waves of midnight hours.

word plays and wasted moments
eloping
with fat food and sugary treats
create
my everyday reality
and life as it always is...

standing still.

unable to grasp the moment
unable to let go of the past
constantly critical
and always complaining
because you owe me something for all that i've done
for you.

i'm entitled. i deserve it
because of my intentions and commitment
to our bond.

the words come and keep me from
ever completely listening
and cause me to constantly compose
drama, anxiety, and drama.

if only i could be like Him.

chapter 77 : insomnia is my new best friend...arrrggghhh

i'll pass on the perm, but you get the point...

last night i couldn't sleep. i think it was possibly the WORST insomnia i've ever had. there are perhaps some reasons for it though...

* since it was Sunday, we all took a nap and it was really good one...about 3 hours

* i started taking some new vitamins (odorless fish oil, vitamin D and fiber) and i took them in the evening so they wouldn't bug my stomach as much as they have in prior days...could they cause this? anyone know?

so it was about quarter after 3 last night and upon my 2nd attempt at slumber, baby K was ready for a bottle and then i finally fell asleep probably about 20 minutes or so following that. let's just say even though mr. clean was super sweet and let me sleep in later than he wanted to, 8:00 came WAY too early!

today, i took the new pills with lunch, but here i am at almost 1 and feel as though i could go all night with my head touching my pillow. luckily, i got some rest while baby K napped and the Bug watched her show or i would have been "dead meat" all day, especially since i didn't leave my house.

i've decided lately though how much i really want to pursue a dream of mine...the world of COSMETOLOGY. every time i get my hair cut or nails done, i wish i knew exactly how to do what they were doing. i wish i had a great friend from hair school who could do my hair and helped me keep it looking fabulous year round. i wish that i was able to do work some appointments out of my house at night or on Sat. for friends and family.

realistically, it would be SUPER hard to make this happen. mr. clean's current job (which he absolutely loves) is flexible, but not exactly willing to work around my schedule. with a ship date coming up in the not too distance future, with each day, it will/would be harder for me to keep a time commitment especially if i had to be in the big city by 5:00 each day...there's no way i can commute and be on time with traffic, his job and life.

so i keep trying to talk myself out of it and yet, i keep coming back to it. i would LOVE to be able to do it so much if for nothing more than myself. yes it would be nice to have a way to make a little extra cash each week/month. yes it would be nice to feel like i have something of my own that i help others with. yes it would be nice to have a trade that if needed i could fall back on. all of these reasons make me want it more and yet i can't bring myself to push for it and make it happen.

if only gas wasn't so stinking expensive! if only someone would do part-time night classes (yes it would take like 4 hours, but who cares...at least i'm doing the classes and doing them well). if only i would have done this before my kids, but i didn't know and i didn't feel as strongly about it then as i do now.

often i feel like i'm wasting my time and i know that is my own fault, but i don't have one hobby that i totally love or enjoy enough to do it all the time. i try something, get bored, put it away for a while and then come back to it later. i am very ADD about projects. i'm not a pro at one thing and i would like to be. i would love to feel like i have a niche and that i'm REALLY good at something instead of pretty good at a lot of things. i also think it's important for me to do something sooner than later if i'm going to do it because it would be easier to do something like this now before i have more children in the future.

i still have dreams of going back to school and getting my Masters degree in Social Work and probably focusing on Dance Therapy, but i don't feel like i'm up for that now. it's totally in my HEART, but isn't tugging at me like this other stuff is.

as a stay-at-home Mom, i KNOW that i am contributing in the most important way i can...teaching my children right from wrong, who they are and most importantly to try and act like the Savior in all that they do, but i also wish i had just something on the side to help get me through.

well. waiting to hear back from a school, but i'm not getting my hopes up as i doubt it will work for my current situation. i look once in a while and keep hoping that i will find the right program for me. i guess that's the most important lesson in all of this...learning to TRUST in Heavenly Father and his timing for what will happen in my life.

we'll see what happens in the future.

yours truly.

chapter 73 : i hate it when...

i buy something and in the process of my purchase, i think i'm getting what i like and want. then like 3 months or so later, a newer, cuter, way better model comes out for the same price.

shoot. i really hate this.

yours truly.

chapter 67 : so tired of the past

why don't i remember to expect it?
the choices from the past
continue to haunt the present

i will never be able to escape
the grasp of the life
i once led

i'm tired and so hurt
and i'm tired of the entire hurt
but there's no one else to blame

but me.

chapter 66 : right now

at this moment i want...

* more sleep than i'm allowing myself to get lately. it's pretty pathedic since baby K is going to sleep at 7:00 and i'm still awake 5 hours later.
* something super yummy. nothing sounds good lately and i'm hungry. the chicken nuggets, plain yogurt with honey and the raspberry lemonade crystal light i had for dinner just didn't cut it.
* more motivation to start new projects, finish old ones and stop procrastinating.
* a pedicure.
* a more kind and charitable heart. i think about it, but don't act on it enough.
* contentment. to enjoy my life for what it is now, the process and current journey i am on.
* to watch another episode of Gilmore Girls.
* to stop harboring baggage which only creates more problems in my current life and doesn't let me move past the past.

yours truly.

chapter 62 : i've been a bad, bad girl...

so on monday, i was a bad Mom, a really bad Mom. blame it on the almost constant cloudy weather, my consistently crazy hormonal issues (poor mr. clean), or whatever you want, but i was a very bad Mom that day.
i felt like i couldn't control my temper, like i was yelling because of this and that and anything that was done. it made me sad. that is one area i never wanted to go...my children hearing me yell, being the yelling Mommy, turning into someone who can't control their anger.
i apologized to my sweet little Bug, but thankfully there was tomorrow and even though i did better, i still want to be better.
my girls deserve that. a nice, happy, kind, loving Mommy who helps them feel safe and peaceful in their own home.
sometime i feel like, "what am i even contributing of worth to this world?" i think i realize now how much i've got to work on!

chapter 61 : i can't make you love me...

once in a while it hits me and it hits hard...i can't make people who are supposed to love and care about me actually love and care about me. realistically because i know myself pretty well, i acknowledge that i could actually be holding these people to expectations that are almost impossible to meet, but at the same time i don't think that just by remembering to ask about something that is really important to me is too much to ask from anyone, especially people who should because of the position they are in...wow long sentence. glad that one's over!

it's just hard sometimes trying to fill voids that continue to be empty no matter how many times i am reminded that they won't be filled. so in a vain attempt, i lie to myself and lie often by thinking that this time will be different. i throw around that this time i will matter, that i'm good enough and what i've done in my life is and will be enough for someone to be proud of me and show it through their actions in ways that tell me so.

and then the wall knocks me flat : it will never be what i need.

chapter 58 : ummm...yeah

by about 11:30 pm, my madness
begins
to make sense.

and i fight between the slumber
i desperately need
and the few moments
i truly have
alone.

constant reflecting plagues my mind
as i drift into fantasy about
who or
what or
why or
what really matters
and how i often
despise
who i am.

it's ironically funny that i often preach
about allowing others to change
and yet a hypocrit i remain,
holding onto agony and pain
vainly created by
me
while always dishonestly believing that
it will be made right in the end.

i just know that i don't want to
become
my past, like advisors or an idle being
who wastes themselves in unimportance.

once again tired, i hope my mind
will be able to rest as i desperately
try to embrace
tangibility
and overcome my deep feelings of wrong
and despair
and being uncomfortable in what should be
one of my most beautiful positions in life.

to just have the desire to touch you
and never let go
and be in love like they were the other night.
i crave it and yet the motivation
needed
fails me.

i must continue despite my flaws
and insecurities and with heavy lids
i don't accept this part of what is
because
it's too much to overlook.

i'm sorry for my consistent problem causing.
i know how else to be, but just can't make myself do it.

chapter 57 : revisiting the past once again

sad.
so sad.

i wish i could put it all behind me.

here i am with my true self exposed.
hoping they will forgive me.
healing is difficult through the ashes of the fire
i started
so long ago.

longing for acceptance,
but it all becomes clear
again...

you can't mend
broken wings,
broken eyes,
or broken things
if the mender is too blind
to see it.

(thank you to all from my past who see me now and don't make me live who i once was...)

chapter 51 : falling, faded and flamboyant

with snow falling
i worry i have failed
you

despair sets in
i try not to share my
pain

music faded
too tired to think i
try

to let go
cry
hide
my shy yet flamboyant
sense of pride
inside my crazy
mind

sigh

is it too late to apologize?

chapter 45 : if only

often, i am a person who lives in "if only" mode. there are many times that i get lost in thoughts of "what if i had ________ in stead of ________?" or "i should have done __________ before i did/had/became _________." the problem with all of this thinking is that it gets me no where.
there are many regrets in my life and i always wanted to be the girl without them. i became a "statistic" in many aspects of my life that i wish could be erased permanently, not only from my memory, but from the entire 1997-2001 student body of Delta High School. oh, and the different people in my life between the years of 2002-2004. to put it plainly...
i was very stupid!
so now with sorrow weighing heavy on my mind and sadness seeping from my heart, i admit i can't change my past. i wish i could change minute details of me now, which i'm not a huge fan of, that came from these previous experiences.

the lazy girl who watches way too much tv and knew it would be a problem.
the food addict who can't make herself stop sometimes.
the all or nothing thought process which clouds most of my thinking and ultimately inhibits me
from doing the things i should do for my husband, family and self. (i also make excuses)

today's not my favorite day nor my worst. maybe tomorrow will be better.

i'm grateful for those who inspire me to do better. i have a wonderful friend whose words often pop into my head which remind me of small things to do each day to be a better wife and mother. thank you dear friend for this, the play kitchen you gave us for the girls and all of your many wondeful gifts and talents.