chapter 4: behold the power of dirt


today, the girls and i went to Idylwood park. it is also a beach to Lake Sammamish. Taylie really enjoyed herself in the sand and wanted to follow the bigger kids into the water. Mostly she just sat in the sand and played with her shovels and bucket. Sometime while trying to clean up, with Taylie screaming and Kylie hungry, but still being a super good girl, I realized how much I really hate how my feet feel after they have touched sand. I hate the dry, dirty feeling that stays and doesn't leave. Yesterday, I really hated when my feet touched our carpet while I was sitting in the computer room.
Basically, I have a huge texture problem. Once something like this happens, it's just about the only thing my mind concentrates on and then I get overwhelmed quickly afterward.
At the park, I couldn't wait to get home and wash my feet. The funny thing is that I am not bothered by not being able to take a shower each day, but I truly hated these incidents. I also hated that now my new stroller is all sandy, the Expedition got sandy too and it was all over Taylie.
I know that these type of things are pretty common in a stay-at-home Mom's life, but I guess I just haven't accepted it yet...

chapter 3: from fat & drab to thin & fab, well maybe not yet


today i had a free personal training session at the Pro Club. the trainer was super nice and seemed very sincere in helping me. the downer was my body % fat! let's just say that technically i'm obese. i've got a lot of work to do. she had me set some goals, but i guess mentally, i'm not sure if i'm ready to do them or not. i want to lose the 23 lbs. that i need to lose, but i don't really want to do something that makes me work hard. i wish that i was the type of person that could eat whatever they want and it didn't matter. well, i'm not! i know that i need to learn self control and i know i need to change my eating habits as well as getting off my butt. so in 6 months, i'm supposed to have lost the 23 lbs., be maintaining that weight and working out consistently 4 times a week. I'm also supposed to drink 64 oz. of water by 1 month and stop eating after 6:00 pm. i know i need to do something, but geez it seems like a lot of work!

editorial note: this is actually #5


chapter 2: 47 things to know

1. i love my husband, but don't treat him with enough gratitude and positivity
2. i love my daughters, but wish I could be a better Mom
3. i actually enjoy cooking and really love eating
4. i love reading other peoples' blogs
5. i really want a puppy
6. sugar is my greatest addiction next to the computer
7. i really dislike inconsideration
8. For the most part, I hate the phone and usually don't answer if I don't know the number
9. i want to author a book
10. Somewhere, part of me wants to be a triathlete
11. Fear holds me back
12. i'm very cowardly
13. i love popsicles
14. i love non-alcoholic mixed drinks
15. i love receiving gifts
16. i love mail
17. i want to be someone that inspires others to be/do better
18. About 1000th of me is sad that I don't live in Utah, closer to my family
19. There are many things that I wish I could do once and be perfect at them
20. i truly believe the worst part about having a child is all that you experience afterward (like contractions, lack of sleep and needing stool softeners, not the baby)
21. i spend too much time worrying about what others think of me or how I can please them
22. i daydream too much
23. i don't shave my legs enough
24. i haven't painted my toenails in a long time
25. Sometimes I really wonder, "What's the point?"
26. i'm lazy
27. i wish I could find a hobby that could be a part-time job from home on the computer
28. Much of my life is lived where I think, "What if?"
29. i don't really know what happiness is and maybe I do, but I don't accept it
30. i'm glad that I don't have so much drama in my life anymore
31. As I write this, I am very worried that others might think negative things about me
32. i wish i could flip houses
33. i start many projects and don't finish them
34. i have a money spending problem and try to overindulge my family
35. i always regret not getting what i really want the first time for sake of saving money
36. i don't like to wear socks
37. i hate being left out or uninvited
38. i have a hard time when friends and family don't treat me how i think they should
39. i wish i had a best girlfriend
40. my greatest weaknesses lies in my thoughts
41. i shouldn't watch tv
42. i waste a lot of time
43. i need many hours of sleep
44. being real and putting myself out there is very scary
45. i wish that i had finished more school before i had my girls
46. i wish that i had went to cosmotology school
47. i wish people valued my opinion and acted upon it

sidenote: #4 and holding


this is going better than my previous personal two blogs. hoping it will contine (a little bit of personal encouragement)

author's note: a day in my life, a memoir

daddy taking the 5 am or so wakings.
gratefully enjoying my slumber for a couple hours longer .
nursery rhymes, silly songs and bedtime ballads :
twinkle, twinkle
itsy bitsy spider
teach me to walk in the light
i am a child of God
i love to see the temple
i need my Heavenly Father
i am like a star shining brightly
head, shoulders, knees and toes
if you're happy and you know it
little bunny foo foo
monkeys swinging in the tree
(and so many more).
fingerpainting with applesauce.
reading books.
changing diapers.
giving/taking at least one bath.
trying to figure out why her eczema is extremely bad today.
3 or so cups of milk.
lots of snacks.
sharing my food because it's better for some reason.
trying without success to brush 11 little teeth.
trying to check my email and blogs as quickly as possible so that the room doesn't get messed up in about 3.5 seconds.
feeling guilt ridden because i let her watch her movie too often so I can have a little more "me" time.
actually enjoying cooking.
vegging on the computer after 7:00 pm.
my after dinner snack.
11:00 pm coming around and knowing I should have went to sleep two hours ago.

and my favorite parts:
my new baby finding her voice.
sporatic (sometimes open-mouthed) toddler kisses.
listening to and watching the loud, charismatic man I love enjoy his addiction.

chapter 1: the almost turning point

I sit here frustrated, ashamed, saddened by what I have not done with my life. I'm jealous of those who do not fear creativity and rise to the challenge. I'm envious of people who are themselves and show the world. I crave realness. I want to be more.
I'm 24 years old, married, the mother of two and do not know what I want out of life, who I am or who I want to become. I've wasted so much time trying to be what I percieve others want. I see things so black and white that I am left without room to explore the good, kind, nice things in life. Why is it not "ok" for me to enjoy life like everyone else? Why must I be entitiled to everything or severely suffer. What is Balance and where do I find it?
I want so much more and yet it still remains that I sit idly by and do nothing.
So what do I really fear? Actual succession? Facing myself and my faults? Finally accepting that I'm not perfect in every aspect I wish (you know my great imperfections well if you know me). I want to show my girls that you can have anything you want out of life, but I'm not that person yet.
Why am I so satisfied with so little?
Rather than just being, I want to change the world.
There is a small part of me that is ready to change, to jump, leap and fall into this new being and still I feel the fear like the last second before a car crash. Perhaps on my top 10 list of shortcomings, COURAGE, and I'm definitely feeling the lack of it now!