chapter 97 : move along, move along like i know you [need to] do...

recently i had to give someone a gift. with the gifts, i included a card and had one of the most DIFFICULT times of my life figuring out what to write in it.
it was very hard because i have a deep history with this person and should be able to conjure up many wonderful words of "miss you's" or "hope to see you soon," but i just couldn't bring myself to be dishonest in that fashion. before you go on thinking, "Wow, she's a HUGE brat!" let me say that first i probably am not the nicest person ever even though i try to be and always find myself realizing that my motivation almost completely lies in selfish regard although i don't mean for it to be that way. and secondly, probably the most important piece of information needing to make sense of this verbage is the fact that the older (yeah 25 is getting up there ;) ) i get the more i realize that i don't need certain people in my life and i really want to continue distancing myself from my past in a VAST way.
i am grateful for many lessons and people who influenced me in the past to make me who i am today, but honestly, much of that PRIOR life just brings drama, renumeration about being stuck in emotional high school/middle school/abusive family & home life hell, and relationships with people who aren't capable to give me what i really need in a relationship with them. basically it's all really depressing to me as the longer i hold onto wanting something i can't have the longer and more painfully it continues to hurt as i will never understand why certain people don't behave the way they "should" because of the role they are in.
okay so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...i know, but what i'm trying to get at is that while i had a hard time with this card situation, i got thinking that i'm getting closer and closer to moving forward in my life with greater purpose and drive and that i really don't need those people in my life who don't really care about me.

IF RELATIONSHIPS ARE TOXIC or SOMEONE REALLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE then be smarter than me and DROP THEM LIKE THEIR "HOT!"

yeah, yeah...easier said that done, but at least i'm recognizing it. the time is soon approaching for change...if only i had some MAJOR courage!

yours truly.