chapter 61 : i can't make you love me...

2.04.2008

once in a while it hits me and it hits hard...i can't make people who are supposed to love and care about me actually love and care about me. realistically because i know myself pretty well, i acknowledge that i could actually be holding these people to expectations that are almost impossible to meet, but at the same time i don't think that just by remembering to ask about something that is really important to me is too much to ask from anyone, especially people who should because of the position they are in...wow long sentence. glad that one's over!

it's just hard sometimes trying to fill voids that continue to be empty no matter how many times i am reminded that they won't be filled. so in a vain attempt, i lie to myself and lie often by thinking that this time will be different. i throw around that this time i will matter, that i'm good enough and what i've done in my life is and will be enough for someone to be proud of me and show it through their actions in ways that tell me so.

and then the wall knocks me flat : it will never be what i need.

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