capter 87 : weirdo weather

i think the rain is turning to snow...i'm TOO ready for summer. skip the spring crap! i think i'm getting a love/hate feel for you now, spring. you are only bringing dreariness to seattle!

yours truly.

chapter 86 : screaming through my follicles

so today while doing my hair...i actually have been straightening it the past couple of days...i know, i know, a miracle. back to the point! as i was almost done, i noticed something. a bad something! i'm going to call it champagne blonde, but it was basically a white/very light blonde looking hair. i pulled it out immediately as if i would be electrocuted in 5 seconds if i didn't get out of my scalp. i think NERVOUS BREAKDOWN thought about creeping into my 5 minute beauty routine at that point. my Mom started going gray in her early 30's and so now i'm a little worried. i'm really hoping it was a fluke, but holy crap...i'm too young to support clairol through a $7 bottle of dye a week.

yours truly.

chapter 85 : soaking it in

both girls are sleeping (woohoo!) and instead of doing all that i should around the house, i'm...
* vegging while taking my time to fold one of the 5 or 6 batches of laundry we did this past weekend
* soaking up the rays coming in through my window...yes sunshine in seattle
* relishing in how blessed i am this day
* loving my husband on his birthday
* getting "caught up" through google reader
* loving this moment

yours truly.

chapter 84 : it's all you

(my little tribute to his many talents. this is a cgi model that he created. it's not real, but looks amazing!)

mr. clean's birthday is tomorrow. we're getting old!
we got him some party hats, blowers and even "pin the tail on the donkey." i also got him a new lens for the rebel, but later cancelled the order. so now i guess i'm saying Happy Birthday to him by letting him enjoy World of Warcraft once again.
it really doesn't take much to make him happy.

i hope you have an amazing day and know that your girls LOVE you!

yours truly.

chapter 83 : .

today you gave me a gift
not a tangible gift, but one of
Hope.

you helped me be able to
Enjoy.
Love.
Laugh.

i truly love the way you
Love.
life and never question why you
Deserve.
such
Happiness.

in those intimate moments we spent
just being together, i
Loved.
you so much
perhaps more than i've ever allowed myself to

you make me
Happy.
you teach me to
Live.
in the moment and not regret who i am

you
Help.
me to be able to
Feel.

i
Love.
you

chapter 82 : He lives!

today i am humbled and grateful for the opportunity to attend church and remember the Resurrection of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that without him, my life would not be what it is. i would not be happy. i probably would have never married my husband or have my sweet family. my life would be so different!
i am so grateful that i get to be with my family forever. what peace it brings to know and believe this...my children and husband are sealed to me for eternity. i am so thankful the Hope that the Gospel of Jesus Christ brings and that there is a way for me to repent of my mistakes and try to become more like Christ.
earlier, i was thinking about the final judgement and how i feel in front of my Savior. right now, i feel like i would be kneeling with my head dropped, heavy with guilt for all of my sins i have committed and continue to make each day. But i also thought about how a loving and most kind, Savior Jesus Christ, perhaps would come to me and lift my chin and tell me to stop being so hard on myself and that i've done well and it would all be ok.

i could never ask for a better advocate in my defense for eternal life!

Oh how i truly love my Savior, elder Brother and Reeder, Jesus Christ. For without him i would be nothing!

a tomb like the one where His body was laid appearing to Mary Magdalene after He was resurrected

in His glory!
showing his apostles the prints in His hands and feet
ascending to heaven
the resurrected Lord!

I Know that My Reeder Lives!

from http://www.lds.org/ "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
Because Jesus died for us and was resurrected, everyone who has ever lived on the earth will be resurrected: "But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept. For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive" (1 Corinthians 15:2022).
Resurrection is a gift freely given to everyone through Jesus Christ. But to return to the presence of Heavenly Father, we must follow the teachings of Christ and the example He gave us when He said, "No man cometh unto the Father, but by me" (John 14:6).
Heavenly Father's ultimate gifts to us come through His Son, Jesus Christ. These gifts are happiness in this life as we follow His light and eternal life in the world to come. (See John 8:12; John 11:25.)"

today in Primary (the classes our children ages 3-12 attend during church), we sang my favorite Primary song, I'm Trying to be Like Jesus. i couldn't get through the song. it touched me too deeply. although i'm not perfect and make many mistakes, i want to be like Him and find hope that i can come closer to it each day.

yours truly.

chapter 81 : well endowed, not so much anymore

stopped breastfeeding baby K recently. let's just say i'm feeling a little flat now.
it's amazing how much my body has changed since having kids. i think it's so interesting when i see old pictures of myself and wonder what i was thinking...why i thought i was so fat and didn't accept my body then. if i knew in the past what i know now, i would have worn a lot more bikinis.

yours truly.

chapter 80 : like duh...

tonight we went out for mr. clean's birthday. can you believe it? he's going to be 28 on monday. since i graduated high school, time has continued to move at the speed of light.
sometimes the more i talk with people, the more i realize how little others actually might know me and how little i still know myself.
guess there's always tomorrow to find out more...

yours truly.

chapter 79 : alone

surrounded by many
wistful conversations buzzing around
my head.

noticing, paying attention, realizing
that my journey isn't like most.

worry and fear drive my actions
while never truly allowed to just
be.

i wish i could let it all go...

engrained unconsciously
are the traits which i hate to possess.
they lead me and drive me and lie to me
day in and day out.

they steal the enjoyment that i long
for and the peace
i sincerely crave.

i could blame them
but why?

who would i be without it?

chapter 78 : paralyzed

blindsided, paralyzed
by my own mind

thoughts
travel
through time
tracing
tearful tries

and hypocrital lies
that deny
my inside
to be made fully
whole.

my tangible being tired
my intangible soul
slipping,
sliding,
gliding,
diving,
riding
the waves of midnight hours.

word plays and wasted moments
eloping
with fat food and sugary treats
create
my everyday reality
and life as it always is...

standing still.

unable to grasp the moment
unable to let go of the past
constantly critical
and always complaining
because you owe me something for all that i've done
for you.

i'm entitled. i deserve it
because of my intentions and commitment
to our bond.

the words come and keep me from
ever completely listening
and cause me to constantly compose
drama, anxiety, and drama.

if only i could be like Him.

chapter 77 : insomnia is my new best friend...arrrggghhh

i'll pass on the perm, but you get the point...

last night i couldn't sleep. i think it was possibly the WORST insomnia i've ever had. there are perhaps some reasons for it though...

* since it was Sunday, we all took a nap and it was really good one...about 3 hours

* i started taking some new vitamins (odorless fish oil, vitamin D and fiber) and i took them in the evening so they wouldn't bug my stomach as much as they have in prior days...could they cause this? anyone know?

so it was about quarter after 3 last night and upon my 2nd attempt at slumber, baby K was ready for a bottle and then i finally fell asleep probably about 20 minutes or so following that. let's just say even though mr. clean was super sweet and let me sleep in later than he wanted to, 8:00 came WAY too early!

today, i took the new pills with lunch, but here i am at almost 1 and feel as though i could go all night with my head touching my pillow. luckily, i got some rest while baby K napped and the Bug watched her show or i would have been "dead meat" all day, especially since i didn't leave my house.

i've decided lately though how much i really want to pursue a dream of mine...the world of COSMETOLOGY. every time i get my hair cut or nails done, i wish i knew exactly how to do what they were doing. i wish i had a great friend from hair school who could do my hair and helped me keep it looking fabulous year round. i wish that i was able to do work some appointments out of my house at night or on Sat. for friends and family.

realistically, it would be SUPER hard to make this happen. mr. clean's current job (which he absolutely loves) is flexible, but not exactly willing to work around my schedule. with a ship date coming up in the not too distance future, with each day, it will/would be harder for me to keep a time commitment especially if i had to be in the big city by 5:00 each day...there's no way i can commute and be on time with traffic, his job and life.

so i keep trying to talk myself out of it and yet, i keep coming back to it. i would LOVE to be able to do it so much if for nothing more than myself. yes it would be nice to have a way to make a little extra cash each week/month. yes it would be nice to feel like i have something of my own that i help others with. yes it would be nice to have a trade that if needed i could fall back on. all of these reasons make me want it more and yet i can't bring myself to push for it and make it happen.

if only gas wasn't so stinking expensive! if only someone would do part-time night classes (yes it would take like 4 hours, but who cares...at least i'm doing the classes and doing them well). if only i would have done this before my kids, but i didn't know and i didn't feel as strongly about it then as i do now.

often i feel like i'm wasting my time and i know that is my own fault, but i don't have one hobby that i totally love or enjoy enough to do it all the time. i try something, get bored, put it away for a while and then come back to it later. i am very ADD about projects. i'm not a pro at one thing and i would like to be. i would love to feel like i have a niche and that i'm REALLY good at something instead of pretty good at a lot of things. i also think it's important for me to do something sooner than later if i'm going to do it because it would be easier to do something like this now before i have more children in the future.

i still have dreams of going back to school and getting my Masters degree in Social Work and probably focusing on Dance Therapy, but i don't feel like i'm up for that now. it's totally in my HEART, but isn't tugging at me like this other stuff is.

as a stay-at-home Mom, i KNOW that i am contributing in the most important way i can...teaching my children right from wrong, who they are and most importantly to try and act like the Savior in all that they do, but i also wish i had just something on the side to help get me through.

well. waiting to hear back from a school, but i'm not getting my hopes up as i doubt it will work for my current situation. i look once in a while and keep hoping that i will find the right program for me. i guess that's the most important lesson in all of this...learning to TRUST in Heavenly Father and his timing for what will happen in my life.

we'll see what happens in the future.

yours truly.

chapter 76 : common routine

often my daily schedule goes something like this...

if we are staying home, which doesn't happen that often...
* get up and send mr. clean to work
* get breakfast around 8:00
* put baby K down for a nap while the little Bug watches some of her shows (Little Einsteins, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Super Why, etc.) and i either jump on the computer for a bit or catch a little shut eye
* lunch around 11:00
* naptime at 12:00 while baby K and I hang out watching tv/locking ourselves in the computer room so naptime will actually happen for big Sister.
* 3:00 work on the list affectionately entitled, "try to get done so mr. clean is happy when he comes home." this includes picking up toys, doing dishes...surface cleaning any clutter that accummulated during the day, make dinner, play with the girls, etc.
* 5-5:30 eat dinner
* 6:30 get the girls ready for bed
* 7:00 enjoy freedom ;)
* 6:15-7:00 am next morning wish they would just sleep in one morning...

if we go out...with rising gas prices, this will probably slow down a bit or i am trying anyway...
* get up, shower if i'm lucky that day and send mr. clean to work/sometimes take him to work
* get breakfast around 8:00
* let the girls watch a show while i try to get ready...there are probably many days that i don't look like i spent more than 5 seconds on myself, but i guess you sacrifice what it takes to just get out the door somedays
* if we have our lwtg class, make it there around 11:00; otherwise, go out to whatever is scheduled that day
* eat lunch while out or as soon as we get in the door
* naptime for the Bug shortly after we eat or get home.
* after naptime, work on the list affectionately entitled, "try to get done so mr. clean is happy when he comes home." this includes picking up toys, doing dishes...surface cleaning any clutter that accummulated during the day, make dinner, play with the girls, etc.
* 5-5:30 eat dinner
* 6:30 get the girls ready for bed
* 7:00 enjoy freedom ;)
* 6:15-7:00 am next morning wish they would just sleep in one morning...

yours truly.

chapter 75 : i wish these...

all graced the hangers in my closet. Summertime, i can't wait to give you a big fat kiss!

chapter 74 : i truly heart this lately...

yours truly.

chapter 73 : i hate it when...

i buy something and in the process of my purchase, i think i'm getting what i like and want. then like 3 months or so later, a newer, cuter, way better model comes out for the same price.

shoot. i really hate this.

yours truly.