chapter 116 : oh blessed sunshine. how i adore you...

honestly, sunday was a hard day for me. father's day! let's just say that i am so grateful for my mr. clean who is such a good Daddy. my girls are so blessed to have him.
i'm still not over some issues in my past and sometimes they haunt me on a daily basis. i'm not sure if i will ever be over them. at this point, i can't imagine releasing that hurt and filling it up with something else. it just doesn't seem fathomable to me at this stage in my life. so like i learned to do so well in the past, i will just keep acting like nothing is going on because the people has to do with, don't care anyway. who i am and what i do doesn't really matter to them and i don't know if i'll ever understand that. to be ok with that makes me feel like i've lost hope or something.
after my last post though, i feel like i MUST head back to a more positive direction. i just want to share how grateful i am to a most kind and loving Heavenly Father who is ALWAYS so mindful of me and my little family. i am so thankful that mr. clean and i have ALWAYS been so BLESSED financially...not that we're wealthy to most around us, but compared to many in the world, i know we are. unfortunately though i know that i take it for granted and so i am so thankful when i see the ways which His hand intercedes and helps guide us so we are taken care of. paying tithing and fast offerings truly protect and bless lives.
i am also so grateful for the health of my family. even though mr. clean has chronic back pain and does more than he should to help me without hardly any complaint, we have been so blessed. both of our girls have had basically no major sicknesses or problems their entire pregnancies and lives and i truly hope that they will always stay this way and always stay safe. unfortunately today, my new doctor called and told me that my blood tests show that i have Hashimoto's thyroiditis (like Hypothyroidism). if this is truly the case, then it potentially could explain a lot about what i have experienced for a long time. it is an autoimmune disease and among different ways to treat it are taking medication for the rest of my life. my heart was heavy this afternoon as i wasted my time watching tv and eating to comfort myself.
i don't even think i'm going to tell certain "important" people in my life though. i don't think they care enough about me that i don't want their sympathy in this regard. we'll see though. i'll probably end up telling them in hopes that they will truly care about me, but in the end i will probably just be let down again, saddened by their lack of true concern and love for me.

anyways...i'm truly am so grateful for the many ways i have been blessed in my life and pray that most of all, my children will be safe, happy and taught to stay close to their Heavenly Father.

yours truly.

p.s. we got more emergency food items for our 72 hour kits today. i'm so excited because it's one less thing for me to have to worry about...

chapter 115 : at least i've got Wilson or maybe i can find one this summer at a yard sale anyway...

i am overwhelmed!

from the outrageous price of gas and food to the constant weight of knowing i need to get my family food storage and emergency essentials together. then there is the constant dismal weather that keeps gracing my days (thankfully we saw the sun this afternoon!). it's all feeling TOO MUCH!
i SO need a vacation, but could never justify the money it would cost when there are so many other things we need to get "just in case." all of the pressure i feel makes me end up wanting to do nothing, sleep too much and not answer my phone. shoot...you got to know it's bad when i stopped keeping up with the blogging world in Google Reader or checking Freecycle for the unwanted items i can drive mr. clean crazy with by cluttering my home even more. in fact i feel a need to get rid of things...something must really be going on.
then i think of what it was like growing up with a bi-polar Dad and cringe and feel defeated because i yelled at my girls too much today (i can hardly believe with my past that i even yell at my sweet babies at all)! i NEVER want to be like the two "fathers" i had and yet it's almost like i'm destined for it.
i haven't cried yet, but feel like i'm on the verge sometimes throughout the day. i'm going to give myself credit for the "sort of" clean that i did in my house today. it was my attempt to overlook the couple of hours of tv i watched in the afternoon and the QUALITY attention that i FAILED to give my precious girls. i was a BAD Mom today for sure.
i'm so lacking in motivation and can't bring myself to be excited about even finishing my giveaway projects. sorry recipients...pray for sunshine!

hoping tomorrow is better and that i don't feel like i'm stranded on a deserted island...

yours truly.

chapter 114 : slice n' dice to save our lives...

recently after another trip to Target for things we "need" and in order to save us financially, mr. clean did the following to my credit card...
he totally didn't do this behind my back, to be mean and/or abusive or out of anger, (he is so NOT any of those things) he did it because he loves me and to help our family. i honestly know that i NEEDED to do it for so long, but was holding onto how spending makes me feel...exhilarated then depressed. beside food, it has become my way to deal with stress which of course only creates more stress and i think its even harder because i rarely spend much on myself.

now we are trying to do better with only spending cash, not using the car so often and really living with our means. i know it's a good idea to listen to the Prophet and other church leaders, but i think it's definitely time we start acting on it.

yours truly.

(picture from here)

chapter 113 : awful news...

mr. clean told me today that he heard that we aren't going to get sunshine in the Seattle area until like July 17th. i don't know if i'm going to make it without sunshine til then. it's killing me.

yours truly.

chapter 112 : no worries...

for all of you still waiting for your giveaway goodies, don't worry, i'm working on them and hope to have them out sometime soon...

thanks for you patience.

yours truly.

chapter 111 : reasons to rave...

i have been finding/seeing/loving so many things lately and to try to combat the STUPID Seattle area rain, i feel that i need to share these amazing finds. in no specific order...

* a friend introduced me to this work and i WISH i could it too.

* so grateful that i found this, one of my new graphic design idols, that led me to this.

* wish i could do this type of thing, among many others, as well.

* i LOVE these new pudding singles. i am a HUGE chocolate lover, but don't really care for chocolate pudding, cake or ice cream. these new singles are more like mousse and set up in about 5 minutes. a perfect little snack if you are in need of a fix...

* found this great fabric shop, Fabric Supplies by Charlie, on etsy through a friend's blog. the prices seem so much better than what my local, overpriced Ben Franklin sells. maybe someday if i save my $ then i can order a whole bunch of treats for Sweet Stella here.

* one my most favorite photography blogs ever, Bethany Jackman Photography. wish she would have been available when i was getting married.

* a favorite creative blog, my crazy life..., i swear this woman's hiding her superhero cape somewhere.

* of course, who couldn't LOVE the great perspective and crafty eye that Candace Todd has. love her new little creation too, sew along.

* don't feel i could do much justice to this post of the things i love without mentioning some of my all time favorites too...my happy little life, the nienie dialogues, it's good to be Ashley Carter and simply.

* and finally...in the past i wasn't really that much of a Coldplay fan, but this one has me hooked. i LOVE it and once i hear it, i can't get it out of my head or the thoughts of choreography i could come up with for it as well...

hope you enjoy as much as i am...

yours truly.

chapter 110 : my new best friend...

in another desperate attempt to conquer my horrendous eating/health habits, i went to a new doctor today. she was AMAZING and i am now an even greater advocate for naturopathic medicine...such a different experience.
of course like usual, she told me how i NEED to drink more water and eat less sugar, so despite some of the super yummy, generic Safeway oreos (tuxedos), i did pretty well. i am now taking a natural extract to help with energy as well as TRYING to overall eat better. so instead of grabbing food while watching SYTYCD tonight, i grabbed my very neglected since it's been purchased (and probably cancer ridden ;) ) water bottle and downed more water than my body has had in probably the last month.
after having urinated 3 times in the last two hours (more than i do when i'm pregnant) i definitely remember one of the reasons beside taste that i avoid water, but overall, i think my body is soaking it in like a thirsty person would be in the desert. in fact i'm probably going to be "water logged" by the time i go to bed and since i'm still afraid of the dark, hopefully i won't have to visit the throne around 3 am.
at least i'm off to a better start than in the past and hope this time i can make some better habits stick, not only for me, but for my girls too. they deserve better than learning to eat too much sugar. my next appointment is in 4 weeks, so that will be a good check to see how well i'm doing.

yours truly.