chapter 72 : shoot

yesterday, i did pretty good beside the hot milk with vanilla and honey.
i got stressed today and then i had a rootbeer float and some super yummy, sugar-filled trader joe's yogurt. i rejected the cupcake offer...i was strong. perhaps better progress is in my near future...

yours truly.

chapter 71 : only water for me...thank you!

take that all you free Microsoft drinks. i could have given in and drank any one of you...juice, pop, chocolate milk, hot chocolate, but NOOOOOO, i was strong and chose water. HA! good try evil tempation, but i made it today!

yours truly.

chapter 70 : maybe i shouldn't attend baby showers...

thanks to Lisa for trying to help me kick my habit, but unfortunately i must report that after 2 brownie bites, 1 rootbeer and 1 baby shower later, i lost the fight again today.

there's still hope.

yours truly.

chapter 69 : 2 bad

drank 2 rootbeers today. will have to try again tomorrow.

yours truly.

chapter 68 : help stop the addiction

(thanks mr. clean for being the model in this picture...just so you all don't think i have facial hair growing)

hi my name is brittany. (everyone say, "hi brittany.") i am a sugar addict. i'm headed down a very dangerous and unhealthy path. i eat some type of sugar many times a day. it's a big problem.
i feign sugar when i don't have it. i crave it all the time. i need to stop eating it. everything has some type of sugar in it, so i'm going to try to stop eating sugar-filled things like candy, ice cream, baked goods, pop, candy, popsicles, chocolate, candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc.
i've had this problem for so long now that i think if i actually stop i might lose like 10 lbs. within a week. it's truly a miracle that all of my teeth haven't rotted out by now.
now as a Mom who wants to teach her children healthy eating habits and provide healthy meals and relationships with food, i know it's time to do some changing for good.
i'm really scared though. i LOVE sweet things. i enjoy having a super yummy treat with friends, or just when i'm relaxing. it's going to be really hard for me...one of the hardest things i've ever done before.
now i also realize that in order to be successful in changing a habit, you have to replace it with something else. so i'm going to TRY to start drinking more water and/or working out in place of the sugar cravings. i had someone in the past tell me that they started doing this in order to quit smoking, that every time they needed to smoke, they would go work out. they stopped smoking for a long time and it also helped them get into shape.
this also means for anyone that reads this that you have to help me. no more offering me fabulous snacks, no more bringing me little treats from work, no more letting overindulge when i go out...no more SUGAR!
so off i go on this treacherous journey to face my sugary sweet demon. i'm also going to track my progress on the side to see if i can actually hold myself to it. wish me luck...

yours truly.

chapter 67 : so tired of the past

why don't i remember to expect it?
the choices from the past
continue to haunt the present

i will never be able to escape
the grasp of the life
i once led

i'm tired and so hurt
and i'm tired of the entire hurt
but there's no one else to blame

but me.

chapter 66 : right now

at this moment i want...

* more sleep than i'm allowing myself to get lately. it's pretty pathedic since baby K is going to sleep at 7:00 and i'm still awake 5 hours later.
* something super yummy. nothing sounds good lately and i'm hungry. the chicken nuggets, plain yogurt with honey and the raspberry lemonade crystal light i had for dinner just didn't cut it.
* more motivation to start new projects, finish old ones and stop procrastinating.
* a pedicure.
* a more kind and charitable heart. i think about it, but don't act on it enough.
* contentment. to enjoy my life for what it is now, the process and current journey i am on.
* to watch another episode of Gilmore Girls.
* to stop harboring baggage which only creates more problems in my current life and doesn't let me move past the past.

yours truly.

chapter 65 : changed by design

so here is my first attempt at blog design. in the past i have only created headers, but this time i created both the background and header. thanks to mr. clean and sjh blog design, it all came together.

let me know if you like it.

yours truly.

chapter 64 : got to get a little more out...

recently i've been sick. not just any kind of sick, but the kinds where you hack 5 times in a row until your throat is clear, sneeze three times, make your bed soaking wet because your crazy fever finally broke and blow your nose about 7 times in one try...ok maybe too much info for some of you, but i was SUPER sick.
during my worst night, while waking up for like the 16th time, i could have swore it was like 5:30 in the morning. i needed the greater part of the night to be gone and for it to be at least 5:30 am, but lo and behold, it was a mere 12:30. i had only been asleep for like 2 hours. i thought i was going to pass out, not from the balloon-head congestion (although i felt dizzy many times), but because the night wasn't even half over.
i decided it was time to put it in someone else's hands and rely on my faith to get me through. it truly was a wonderful reminder of how blessed i am to have the Priesthood so abundant in my life through mr. clean.
when the oil touched my head, my pounding headache calmed and i knew there was an end in sight.

i am also so grateful for the Holy Ghost and the subtle promptings i receive. they never fail me when i choose to follow them. a while ago, my baby K was playing and since she's started putting more things in her mouth, i try to be extra careful if there are small pieces around. this day, baby K decided to try a sticker and when i checked on her and by heeding a prompting, i could see she was chewing on something. i decided to swab her mouth and luckily i was able to remove the sticker. she definitely could have choked on it and i don't even want to think about what could have happened.

i am so grateful for the promptings that come through the Spirit and for the Priesthood. i am truly blessed.

chapter 63 : dance, my true passion

when i see you, i miss you.
it makes me think of what might have been,
what could have been
if i'd only continued to have you
in my life.

tonight you came back to me.
although i was nervous and not as comfortable
as i used to be,
you didn't fail me.

you always bring me joy
and light
and hope
and ways to fight fear
and attempts to claim confidence.
you are a true friend.

you free me
from my own bondage
and madness that is created
in the sphere i carry all around town.

you let me breathe
not physically, but spiritually
and self-lovingly.

i thank you for bringing me back,
for showing me i'm worth it
and for your sweet, enduring patience.

for with you i can fly
and fall in love again.

thank you for your smell
and international constancy.
you bring safety to once fallen knees
and a once shaken heart.

in time we will be friends once more
and i can show that embrace
through a truly simple smile
because i know you love me.

chapter 62 : i've been a bad, bad girl...

so on monday, i was a bad Mom, a really bad Mom. blame it on the almost constant cloudy weather, my consistently crazy hormonal issues (poor mr. clean), or whatever you want, but i was a very bad Mom that day.
i felt like i couldn't control my temper, like i was yelling because of this and that and anything that was done. it made me sad. that is one area i never wanted to go...my children hearing me yell, being the yelling Mommy, turning into someone who can't control their anger.
i apologized to my sweet little Bug, but thankfully there was tomorrow and even though i did better, i still want to be better.
my girls deserve that. a nice, happy, kind, loving Mommy who helps them feel safe and peaceful in their own home.
sometime i feel like, "what am i even contributing of worth to this world?" i think i realize now how much i've got to work on!

chapter 61 : i can't make you love me...

once in a while it hits me and it hits hard...i can't make people who are supposed to love and care about me actually love and care about me. realistically because i know myself pretty well, i acknowledge that i could actually be holding these people to expectations that are almost impossible to meet, but at the same time i don't think that just by remembering to ask about something that is really important to me is too much to ask from anyone, especially people who should because of the position they are in...wow long sentence. glad that one's over!

it's just hard sometimes trying to fill voids that continue to be empty no matter how many times i am reminded that they won't be filled. so in a vain attempt, i lie to myself and lie often by thinking that this time will be different. i throw around that this time i will matter, that i'm good enough and what i've done in my life is and will be enough for someone to be proud of me and show it through their actions in ways that tell me so.

and then the wall knocks me flat : it will never be what i need.